Dialogue with Higher Self - Part IV

THROUGH TO THE NEW:
A Dialogue with Higher Self


Transforming 
Hopelessness & Despair
through Unconditional Love

 

 

PART IV

To start with Part I, go to:
neallcalvert2.blogspot.ca/2010/12/through-to-new-dialogue-with-higher.html


Text and Images
(c) Copyright 2022 by Neall Calvert

At Lower Myra Falls

January 31, 2014: A & W Restaurant, Merecroft Village Shopping Centre, South Dogwood Street at Merecroft Road, Campbell River, BC.

I wish to speak to my Higher Self—friend, companion, guide, teacher of unconditional love . . . ‘the one who judges me not’.

With you always, Mr. Neall—any time, anywhere.

It’s an ‘interesting’ time, dear one. Yesterday in my right eye’s peripheral vision a flickering began, of extra ‘pieces’ of the images that I was seeing in front of me, broken off and buzzing, seemingly independently, for 20 minutes. During my meeting with an emergency room doctor at Campbell River Hospital, I was (gratefully) informed that this is a temporary, non-threatening ‘pre-migraine’ condition. (I didn’t get the migraine, but I took the hint, believing migraines to be a stress condition.) My studies, including a heavy reading program, and my expanding social relations, including with fellow students and two very capable psychology teachers, are apparently overloading my brain, which cannot hold this new level of activity and thus is ‘acting up’ by creating eye symptoms. I am taking two days completely off; thankfully today is sunny . . .

. . . Taking the herb rhodiola is also an adventure, especially if I take too much. Then I feel so uplifted I have no cares—almost to the point where I don’t care which side of the road I am driving on. So I scale back, and experience the pleasant effects of adequate levels of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine in my brain. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we love you, we always have and we always will. You have taken up the living style called ‘life as an adventure’—congratulations. Your self-esteem is growing. You are disciplined. You are finding your courage and learning about the empowered life—always more to go. You are learning to rest and regroup when needed in order to renew your ability to focus and to recharge your batteries. You are learning self-care, and learning to relax yourself—and renew your power—through singing and piano playing . . .

. . . Please know that we will never let you down—ever. We are the steadiest force in the Universe; the most peaceful and loving and effective helpers of humanity. And you are hardwired to know us, Mr. Neall—as is everyone. Claim this knowledge and this power, this happiness, and it’s yours: ‘sunshine mind’; purposeful life.

Thank you. And thank you in advance for guiding my ‘time out’ for the next few days—and also my upcoming psychology exam and term paper, as well as relations with teachers and fellow students.

‘Ask for what you want’, as it is said, Mr Neall The ‘father hole’ in your soul that keeps you stressed can be healed in the environment of your Higher Self, in the presence of your guides and guardian angels. Happiness can be won. You could not know a more effective teacher than your Higher Self, Mr. Neall—endlessly patient, endlessly wise, endlessly compassionate and forgiving. Congratulations on having the discipline to connect with us again today. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your blue-sky Higher Self: your friend.

February 4, 2014: Timmy Ho’s, Merecroft Village Shopping Centre, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

You are speaking to us, Mr. Neall

I’m weary today. Things have changed so much in just one month of school—and still three months to go in the term. I want to learn better how to pace myself so I don’t get so tired. And last night was another meeting of the ACoA [Adult Children of Alcoholics] group (three of us; just the right size); definitely ‘my material’ for learning and growing. The literature describes my situation ‘to a T’: abandonment and shame issues and PTSD, et cetera, et cetera. The group provides like-minded support: a place to feel safe and learn more about being an adult (and to become happier—I felt happy upon leaving last night: empowered and peaceful). . . .What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight? How can I best renew / recharge / reinvigorate myself?

Dear Mr. Neall: Blessings on your growth (and your newly painted hallways / door trims, et cetera, attractively colour-coordinated by your conscientious landlord / landlady team).

Yes, fresh, clean and attractive. I wonder if I triggered this improvement by painting my own door jamb a few months ago. It was faded and scuffed and I could no longer stand to see it every time I returned to my top-floor, corner suite home.

Dear Neall: You start to see the rewards of ‘a life of discipline and awareness’. You start to believe that love (and fearlessness) truly dissolves problems or doesn’t create them in the first place.

I’m getting upset thinking of my Abnormal Psychology prof at the moment. He has a PhD in psychology, but he dismisses or trashes or mocks many of the notions that have helped to improve my life, including spiritual community, Freudian psychology (Jung hasn’t been mentioned), exorcism, health food stores, vitamins, allergy theories, gluten-free diet. It seems that sooner or later I will have to stand up and state what I know to be true. Does being empowered mean I need to stand up for my beliefs on a daily basis, or remain passive yet again? I don’t want to cause trouble in the class, yet the college’s ground rules allow for ‘polite’ disagreement. Do I have the temperament these days to disagree politely? And is this an authority figure that I need to stand up to?

Dear Mr. Neall: You’ve put that well. Feel the tension building in your solar plexus right now and know that you are dealing with empowerment issues. If you do a catharsis / growling session, you will ensure that you are dealing less with the past and more with the present when you meet for your class again two days hence. We will not abandon you in this. Plus, you can raise this with your counsellor when you meet with her tomorrow and get more insight. You are not alone any more: the result of your earnest efforts . . .

. . . Note your progress, Mr. Neall: Your studies (paid for); your attractive home; your ACoA support group; your CSL minister, who made you laugh last time you visited with her; your less past / more future thinking; your dependable heating and beautiful music in your vehicle on these cold February days [high -2 C; low -10 C (cold for the West Coast, anyway)]. [I’ve been singing along to a Prema Deval chanting CD (the Gayatri mantra: “Om bhur bhuva svah . . .”), making it a relaxing 45-minute drive home from my Wednesday evening first-year psychology class in Courtenay.]

Thank you. I’m feeling more peaceful. May this partnership in learning love and empowerment continue forever.

There is no doubt about that, Mr. Neall—not for a moment. . . . Vaya con Dios, dear one. Go with God.

February 7, 2014: Timmy Ho’s, Merecroft Village Shopping Centre, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall, at the Tim Hortons School of the Enjoyment of Life.

Thank you. At the gym last week, during my workout (shoulder crunches) I had an ‘Incredible Hulk’ moment: awareness of great strength in my shoulders, upper back and arms. Normally I have no awareness of this part of me at all. This ‘Hulk’ is part of my unconscious shadow—a part of me that the ‘nice, spiritual guy’ doesn’t allow me to own. Yet how liberating to feel strong rather than weak—by developing the ‘weakest link’ in my physical / mental / emotional / spiritual / financial / social beingness: my body. How ‘unchristian’, some might say! . . .

. . . Also, I’ve now successfully completed my first college exam in over forty years and submitted the opening page of a second-year college paper on PTSD. As I made the 45-minute journey to Courtenay for the test, I prayed to be calm and energized and to have access to every part of my brain / mind necessary for the task at hand (100 multiple-choice questions). I worked patiently, reading each question carefully, knowing from my preparations the difference even a word or two can make. I was the last one to leave the exam room, but I didn’t care. I had experienced my mind being stretched. . . . I had prayed, as I always do, to ‘leave feeling better than when I arrive’, and I did . . .

. . . I am grateful for the presence of my Higher Self during that 1.5-hour period, as well as during the writing of the opening thoughts of my term paper. I was not concerned about submitting it six hours past the deadline; I am revitalizing my brain, getting an education in psychology and emerging from the past into present time: North Island College, 2014. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? I think it’s time for a day off, though with the thermometer at -7 C, it’s not much fun being outdoors for more than my daily 45-minute walk, which I’ve just completed . . . [restaurant was getting crowded and noisy so I left].

February 22, 2014: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self, my Source.

We are with you, Mr. Neall, always ready to help to enlighten, to make things easier.

My week off from classes (“Reading Week”) is filled with studying Abnormal Psychology, my second-year course that is densely packed with new material; I will face a test on seven chapters three days hence. My leisurely solitary days have gone, and I have a strained back that makes me want to ‘head for the hills’ for some quiet time. Exercise sessions have become almost daily occurrences, and I’m feeling stronger than ever; and at home when the right piece of music comes on I practise various dance moves around my living room—surely a sign that I’m getting happier. I’m reading a beautiful, intelligent book called India in Mind (Pankaj Mishra, editor), a collection of excerpts and articles from the best writers of the past 200 years. I’m broadening my outlook in several ways right now, and glad to be growing again—just what had been missing, though I was long unable to put a finger on the problem. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that there is no barrier to us communicating, and that we will demonstrate compassion, as we have previously done, each time we are asked . . . [yawning; burping] . . . We are healers and counsellors and teachers glad to be of assistance, glad to ‘do our job’—night or day. Turn to us whenever you feel tired, confused or unsettled . . . [burping] . . . You have been demonstrating great courage in your classes, and in life in general, including relations with your landlord. Please spend some time acknowledging yourself for this new level of involvement and growth; for investing in a future unlike your past. You have become a disciplined person, living one day at a time, seldom victimized any longer, hooking up socially in a new town, learning the skills and strategies of friendship, including, when a friendship seems impossible, waiting for a dream to come and show you what is happening instead of ‘blowing things up’. Congratulations. Do you understand what is happening here? . . . You are learning to live in heaven rather than in hell—your goal, right?

Yes, my goal indeed.

You have our support in this, dear Mr. Neall, and you always will—eternally. We abandon no one, as you know. Limitless heart and wisdom we bring to every situation, including yours. You are definitely worthy and deserving of this partnership—the result of your decades of seeking. . . . Sometimes it’s good to simply ‘take the night off’ to relieve the pressure. You are still learning to pace yourself in your new, involved lifestyle, and your spiritual sensitivities need to be taken into account. . . . Blessings, dear one. Your ever-helpful Higher Self.

February 28, 2014: Parking lot, Williams Beach, near Merville, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are with you, dear Mr. Neall.

I’m wondering if I will ever feel relaxed again. Ten days of daily studying of second-year Abnormal Psychology, and then the 1.5-hour exam last Tuesday—I’m exhausted and neither thinking nor acting clearly. Surely my Higher Self will have some words of comfort and renewal on my holiday today. It’s even possible that I’ve been treating my male PhD psych prof as my Higher Self these days, as someone it is impossible to disagree with. I wish to reconnect with my true Higher Power, to recharge my batteries in order to complete both my psychology courses in April with a feeling of accomplishment and self-acknowledgment; with a sense of empowerment and renewal—having been exposed to the basics (and much more) of what is known by psychology in the 21st century, forty years after I left university. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we love you, and that there are no conditions attached to that love. We acknowledge your courage in putting yourself into this learning situation, having gotten halfway through the term, and now with two exams and part of a paper under your belt. Please know that no one is judging you in any of this. In fact, both your practitioner and his wife acknowledged your efforts when you had your Jin Shin Do bodywork session this week.

What I’ve noticed from my interactions over half a term with the two teachers and fellow students is that I seem to have a closed mind at times, a part of me that needs to be right, wants ‘domination and control’ and feels defensive when I’m speaking. This makes it difficult for me to be ‘in the flow’, to feel part of the ‘give and take’ that is normal for university classes. And when I do participate or express my opinions, I quickly get tired [view from 2016: it’s because I am often channelling spiritual wisdom when I am speaking]—which I don’t understand, and which is where I’m at today—so tired I’ve considered quitting either one or both courses . How can I see this situation differently, dear one? How can I move to a larger point of view to encompass the larger world I have entered, but have gotten bogged down with?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are on the right track. You’ve declared a holiday today and, pen in hand, have turned to your Higher Self. This week you had a bodywork session and a session with your counsellor—from both of which you emerged feeling uplifted and happier. You understand well your need for support and connection at this point in your healing journey . . . [yawning] . . . and we are part of that support system you have developed—as is Nature, of which you have a view across Georgia Strait to 100 kilometres of BC’s snow-capped Coast Range mountains, together with sunshine streaming in across this page as you write, the slight salt smell of the ocean, and the cawing of crows and squawking of seagulls, some close, some faint and far-off, breaking the stillness and connecting you to the bigger picture once again . . . [nap and lunch in vehicle] . . .

I wish to experience your love and light, freedom from fear and worry, hope and a positive vision of the future. I wish to be again with my true forever friend, my permanent partner in healing, my unfailing guide, teacher and mentor that I knew in previous years of writing at the Tim Hortons at Ironwood Mall in Richmond or at Highways 10 and 99 in Delta; experience the upliftment of a new friendship that helps me to renew my mind. That judges me not. That knows nothing of the language of self-punishment or failure. That knows the Big Picture; knows that everything is impermanent, including this state of stress and discomfort . . .

. . . That knows of the sudden change of having seen myself described in the pages of my Abnormal Psychology textbook as someone with a condition called ‘somatization disorder’ [it is predicted that many students taking up Abnormal Psychology find themselves described in its textbooks]. That knows as well that I suffer from PTSD (which I figured out on my own over the years by reading books such as War and The Soul: Healing Our Nation's Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder [by Edward Tick, PhD] and Soul Murder: The Effects of Child Abuse and Deprivation [by Leonard Shengold, MD, who writes:

To abuse or neglect a child, to deprive the child of his or her own identity and ability to experience joy in life, is to commit soul murder. Soul murder is the perpetration of brutal or subtle acts against children that result in their emotional bondage to the abuser and, finally, in their psychic and spiritual annihilation.]

. . . Right now I feel flattened, crushed, beaten up, wiped out, in the dark and humourless. There seems no way out. What is the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? I don’t care about writing a book, I care about getting relief from suffering.

Dear Mr. Neall: As you know, the ‘laws of God’ always work; the only question is, can humans tune into them: adjust their ‘receiving / perceiving apparatus’, so to speak, to get on to the right channel?

That’s the purpose of disciplines like ‘holiday time’, prayer, journalling, Nature time, meditation, and environments like spiritual community.

Indeed. Congratulations on having learned that, and on having the wisdom to take up your practices once again today; to make the effort to get on another channel . . . [burping] . . . It can take longer sometimes.

I’m thinking of my Psych class in Courtenay two nights ago when, during the break, outside in the dark on the lamp-lit sidewalks, I felt compelled to go for a run. That was the legacy of my morning Jin Shin Do session, I believe—feeling so alive that I couldn’t help but move. That seems to be where my healing path is taking me, for which I am grateful—energy at last. I have met someone truly helpful to me—a wise and experienced and skillful male practitioner. This is the kind of environment I wish to grow in—so that I also become skillful and experienced and wise. And today I am soaking up your skill and experience and wisdom.

And there is no end to it, Mr. Neall. We are unlimited as well as unconditional—light forever . . . [yawning] . . .

And peace of mind / body . . . [yawning] . . . my greatest desire today.

Your prayers are being heard, Mr. Neall.

For that I am also grateful . . . [yawning] . . . Light forever indeed—transmitting peace, engendering hope . . . [burping] . . . I seem to be tuning in . . . getting onto your wavelength: the wavelength of inner strength and empowerment. . . . I will continue with my holiday drive, on to Comox with its airport and magnificent Goose Spit beach, and will be in touch again soon.

As you know, Mr. Neall, we never quit. The light never goes out. . . . Vaya con Dios, dear one.

March 6, 2014: McDonald’s Restaurant, Highway 19A, Campbell River, BC

Dear Higher Self: I wish to learn and grow in knowledge and wisdom, in order to develop myself and become more useful in my community; to get my feet on the ground; to become happier. I thought the Psych courses at NIC were a vehicle to that end, but things have come to a near ‘full stop’. I’m unable to study or prepare a paper without incurring back problems and concurrent mental stress. It feels pointless to go on. I was visualizing myself successfully completing my courses and term paper next month and feeling like a new person—engaged, knowledgeable . . . but unsupported, I finally realized. Few know what I am doing, or understand it, or appreciate what I am emerging out of. I seem to be getting more ungrounded rather than less . . .

. . . I spoke with my Vancouver friend M.B. tonight (who has a PhD) about my difficulties with second-year Psych. She says that my male PhD prof has hurt me in some way—thus my wanting to withdraw and share no more in class—or even to show up. Has he ‘slapped me down’ in some way (it seems likely), as my father did, physically and mentally? Perhaps the prof, too, didn’t want my joyful spirit to show up—or to show up any of his inadequacies? Hence the letter I wrote him (but didn’t send yet) that listed the aspects of personal growth that he was rejecting out of hand: like vitamins / diet and nutrition / allergies / spiritual growth / churches / exorcism. My first-year course speaks quite strongly about ‘faith community’ as an important aspect in healing anxiety / depression / stress disorders . . .

If he doesn’t recognize Spirit in any form (as is actually true for many scientifically trained teachers), I would indeed be getting hurt, as it’s my joyful spirit that wants to express in these classes. It’s who I am these days—a fearless and wise spiritual being having a human experience. . . . So, I’m being wounded all over again, just like with my father. Is there no end to this pattern, this unhappiness? . . .

. . . Dear Higher Self; dear wise, eternal, unchanging, unlimited part of me that loves me unconditionally: I considered that this new lifestyle of being a student might be challenging, but I never imagined it would get impossible. I had thought if the PhD prof marked me down on my recent exam for speaking about exorcism and (Jungian) analytical psychology, that I would make a complaint to the administration on his narrow-mindedness, but he didn’t. I got a higher mark than I expected. But my thinking that I would need to report him indicates to me that I have likely been hurt by him. When I stimulated a healthy discussion in class on premenstrual syndrome when that topic came up, he took credit for that. This is perhaps where I have been hurt. My father also could never give me credit for anything, though at times, in certain areas, I was wiser than him. Above all, he could not acknowledge my joyful spirit as a child. He needed to ‘put the brakes’ on me, which he did through violent abuse and then ten years of bullying. He couldn’t maintain his ‘sitting in the corner reading the newspaper’ stance with me running around being energized and joyful and knowingly wise. So I ended up with ‘broken back syndrome’ from the hurtful violence and the abuse of being ‘slapped down’ . . . [yawning] . . . Have I gotten it all out on the the page? . . .

. . . . Dear ‘wise friend’ part of me, be with me—in support, in love and light and healing. . . . What is the path forward? Is it not true, as it is said, ‘There is no path to joy—joy is the path’? I mentioned to my friend M.B. that I wasn’t enjoying my studies any more, and certainly I am not. But I ‘forgot’ that I had been enjoying them to begin with—looking forward to the classes; wanting to be there. Now I’ve given over my power to enjoy myself; given up on my spirit—and I don’t want to do that ever again—my precious, curious, innocent, wise eternal spirit that I spent decades and tens of thousands of dollars in personal growth work getting in touch with . . . [burping] . . . Dear, dear, dear friend, enlighten me (lighten me up) tonight. Help me ‘raise my spirits’; help me reclaim my strength and my purpose.

Dear Mr. Neall: Knowing is better than not knowing—now you know. Now you know how people get depressed and dysfunctional—first they lose their spirit. That’s why you have so earnestly been reading the ‘Matthew’ channelled material online for the past few days [at www.matthewbooks.com] . . . [burping; yawning] . . . It’s full of the spirit; it’s got the Big Picture. Spirit is life—what you lost in your childhood and are now resurrecting . . . [yawning] . . .

Thank you. I feel seen, acknowledged, recognized—and that creates healing . . . [yawning] . . . or needed change. That’s what’s been missing: the Good Father, the wise counsellor. . . . The back pain is easing.

You are a psychologist too, Mr. Neall, just like your PhD prof—but you are a ‘spiritual psychologist’.

Thank you for recognizing it. That is my (new) calling, and why this is so important to me. This whole scenario represents my (necessary) reinvention of myself in a nutshell, so to speak. This is what my soul, my inner being, wants to do. This is what’s pulling me forward now, what my essence, my true self, my spirit wants to express in the world. May God’s light and love be praised, everywhere, forever, for me becoming aware of this knowledge today.

Be blessed always, friend. Your Higher Self. . . . Vaya con Dios.

March 15, 2014: McDonald’s Restaurant, Highway 19A, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self—the force that will never leave me.

We are here, Mr. Neall—and you are learning spiritual truth.

Dear friend: After much soul-searching this week—and a dream that insisted “You must work this out”—I’ve made decisions. I will drop my second-year Abnormal Psych course and will study the final three chapters of my first-year course at home, just taking the final exam on April 9. I will have credentials for one course of Introductory psychology . . .

. . . My experience around taking these courses has prompted me to re-evaluate my own philosophy and reinforced my desire to write of my experiences of spiritual awakening. I’ve also realized that, from this journalling over the past nine years, I have discovered that God is more powerful than any personal problem—including all the (many) problems and disorders described in DSM-5 and the Abnormal Psychology textbook! [DSM-5 is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, the 2013 update to the American Psychiatric Association's classification and diagnostic tool. In the United States and Canada the DSM serves as a universal authority for psychiatric diagnosis.] That is my ‘spiritual psychology’—supported by faith; developed through the training of my spiritual muscles. Psychology and materialistic science—promoted by someone with an ‘impressive’ PhD yet—is a seductive calling [I had at one point considered taking a degree in psychology, with the PhD teacher as a mentor]; but not the right one for someone like me whose spirit wants expression and acknowledgement—not suppression.

Dear Mr. Neall: We are glad to be with you as you sort out who you are now, and how to become a lightworker. As you know, we will never let you down in your quest to heal yourself and to learn love and empowerment. The ones who win out in the end are those who persevere—a quality you are familiar with . . .

. . . Be at peace, Mr. Neall. Know that you are on the right track; that you are getting the support you want and need in order to progress, including your ‘permanent partnership’, your minister / mentor and your therapist. You are feeling safer and more secure, and as we’ve said before, that opens up the possibility of smiling more often as well as more happiness and humour. . . . You have your bodyworker in place for another session on the 26th, and a small book project coming up in April that will increase your income next month, to raise the option of a holiday. Winter has loosened its grip on the Island: nights and days are warmer and white and purple crocuses have appeared everywhere.

Soon I’ll be camping—but with a difference: I have a settled home and connections to return to. For this advancement I am particularly grateful. I am more grounded than ever. I meet people I know while out walking in the park, or at the health food store. My gym sessions are helping build a body that works better and feels better more of the time. My daily walks connect me with Nature. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please believe that there is no judgment on your life—never has been, never will be. Seek your empowerment, however you can find it: catharsis; therapy; grieving your loss of love (by listening to channelled Kryon tapes, for example [www.kryon.com]) . . . [burping] . . . solitude; declaring boundaries: learning to say no to what you don’t want (on a small or large scale) and without losing your temper; watching Ajahn Brahm [Perth, WA, Buddhist monk with a sense of humour] videos on YouTube; attending Sunday services at the spiritual centre; singing and playing piano . . .

. . . Then become a perceiver / receiver of love, and thus someone who can pass it on. Believe in love with all your heart and mind and soul, Mr. Neall—it believes in you and will never quit doing so. Your problems will begin to dissolve; no new ones will be created. You will experience the freedom you so desire; the connectedness; the peace of mind; the happiness; the life of an empowered soul being living in a body on Planet Earth in the 21st century. . . . Vaya con Dios, dear one. Be blessed. Walk with God.

March 18, 2014: Oyster Bay Rest Area, Highway 19A, Oyster River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Glad to be with you again, Mr. Neall.

So, I’ve dropped out of the psychology courses due to immense stress, and today I’ve gotten out of town in order to unwind and get some perspective. Last night I spoke with my youngest brother for the first time in thirteen years; he had called and left a message two days ago, inviting me to the wedding of his eldest son in the Fraser Valley this summer. Some barrier has dissolved there, it seems, and that’s a good thing: a big step forward. . . . How can I best unwind today, dear one? Feel more relaxed and centred? What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are changing and growing. Sometimes one has to pull away to get more perspective. As you are understanding, you are becoming known in your non-victimized, empowered self—one of your deeply held goals for decades. You are willing to ‘do the work’—weightlifting, exercise, daily Nature walks, affirmative prayer and meditation, therapy, spiritual study / reading, asking for help when you need it, minister / mentor / spiritual community. Step back and take a look at what you’re creating in your new home town—hope, in a word . . .

. . . And when one of your old Vancouver contacts used the expression ‘we’re all pretty hopeless’ in an e-mail, you could recognize it as someone speaking almost a foreign language. On top of that, you did not automatically respond by trying to ‘fix her up’. That’s wisdom, Mr. Neall—learned the long, hard way. And here you are in a quiet place in Nature—also the result of accumulated wisdom, of having come to know yourself. Congratulations. . . . Know also this, dear one: You are in a partnership that will never end; that is eternal and always uplifting; that is available to you (and everyone else) to the extent that you are able to tune into it, to be disciplined, to make the effort.

That too is what I have spent decades seeking: a 'partnership in growth' that is loving, unfailing, nonjudgmental, infinitely wise and has a sense of humour (though I’m not doing well in that last department right now) . . . [burping] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: We are with you in your suffering today and we will be with you when your sense of humour returns ‘tomorrow’—guaranteed . . . [yawning; tears] . . . That is how ‘the system’ works. Congratulations on having sorted this out for yourself . . . [yawning] . . . We are unfailingly patient and kind, available, and ‘the best humour-coach money can’t buy’. Believe it, dear one. It’s our gift to you. Accept, accept, accept—that’s all you need to do.

And here I am, stuck in internalized self-punishment, self-judgment, addictions, self-doubt, exhaustion, an inflamed lower back—almost beyond hope of recovery; stuck in the dark, in survival mode.

The best way to change is to celebrate where you are, dear one—every bit of it. And let us in there with you. No judgments, remember? No opinions. No preaching or proselytizing. No hidden agenda. No manipulation. No politics. No mistranslations. Just total, transformative, life-giving invisible energy, available for the asking, willing to take as long as it takes to change your mind, today or any other day—not even restricted to ‘one-hour therapy’ . . .

That’s what I needed to hear. That’s the partnership I want—the one that teaches unconditional self-acceptance and has no hidden agenda, et cetera. The Forever Friend. The Comforter. The Compañionero. The Renewer. The Fountain of Life. The Great Forgiver. The Heart of the Universe. The Truth Teller. Sacred Presence . . . [burping; yawning] . . . The One Who Fills in the Gaps: provides whatever is missing, at any given moment. The One Who Cannot Fail. The One. The Spirit. The Knower. The Great Eternal Teacher. Radiator of Wisdom. The Compassionate One. Mentor of Mercy. The Master. The Harbinger of Humour. The Gift. The Holiday. Sunshine Mind. Buddha Nature . . .

. . . I affirm: May God prevail, may Good prevail, may peace prevail throughout the Universe—morning, noon, night and day, day and night. And so it is; so may it always be. . . . I further affirm: I deserve to feel good. I am worthy and deserving of love and caring today, from myself or anyone else. I declare: This is my ‘new truth’!

March 29, 2014: Timmy Ho’s, Highway 19A, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are always here, dear one.

Once again, dear Higher Self, I’m experiencing overwhelm and I wish to return to the simplicity of the beginning of our relationship at Tim Hortons in Ironwood Mall, Richmond or Highways 10 and 99, Delta. I wish to return to the sense of adventure and hope emanating from those early contacts with you. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today? How can I feel more energized and hopeful?

Dear Mr. Neall: We are glad to be with you; it is no effort for us. We are not tired, overwhelmed or discouraged; we know nothing of hopelessness or failure. We are the voice of your soul, your Higher Self, partnering with you to develop your strength, your authentic self, your health and your purpose. We can (and will) do this anywhere, any time, anyhow—forever. We cannot be defeated or put down. We are like sunshine. We include gaiety, laughter, amusement, happiness and joy. We are whatever you need, whenever you need it: ‘therapist par excellence’; source of hope and humour; lightworker connected to universal energies . . . and your friend, companionero and guide on this journey of healing, this path of wholeness, of light and love. . . . Remember, Mr. Neall: We never forget about you, even when you forget about us.

‘Hopeworker par excellence’ is what you are—what a beautiful notion . . . and you are the one who judges me not, the one attuned to my every need. . . . Today, dear one, I seem to have lost my faith and could use some healing energy: redirection, light, illumination, perspective. What’s it going to take today to refresh my spirit, to move into self-acceptance, to feel more empowered?

As you know, Mr. Neall, the way to feel more empowered is to grieve your feelings of disempowerment. The way to move forward is to find your vision. You’ve had a taste of vision in the past month: seeing yourself as The Enlightened One, teacher to your family of origin (as the Buddha did in the book you’re reading for the second time [An End to Suffering: The Buddha in the World by Pankaj Mishra]). That’s quite a vision. And your therapy sessions are bringing new ideas to the fore, and you are committed to that process, accelerating it to once a week for the past month. That takes courage, dear one. Acknowledge yourself for knowing enough to know when to ask for help . . . [burping; yawning] . . .

Thank you. Yes, therapy is a good idea right now: it helps me to face another level of, and to emerge from, the dysfunctional past and to be supported in moving forward; it helps me to feel less isolated with my awareness and creativity, and helps me to develop new strategies and ideas and behaviour patterns. It’s a place to release pain and to move more into present time (in time for a successful appearance at a family-of-origin wedding in August, after a long absence) . . .

. . . Thank you for your hand in this opportunity to reinvent myself in Campbell River; to truly redeem my life; to rewrite fate into destiny; to know myself (and you) at ever deeper levels. I am grateful.

You are welcome, dear one. This is a partnership that cannot fail. . . .Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self, appreciator of fresh spring flowers.

April 12, 2014: Parking lot, Miracle Beach Provincial Park, Black Creek, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

A forecast of three days of sunshine has prompted me to take my first camping trip of the season, although breaking from my habitual behaviours wasn’t easy. Yet here I am, surrounded by Nature, unwinding from the intensity, the over-stimulation and back pain that makes me miserable. . . . I gained a valuable insight last week. It was that the purpose of my studying psychology was to help me understand that I need to be in therapy. Sure enough, ten days ago in a therapy session I was able to release the deep pain of the past life that I wrote about in my essay “Encounters with Friedrich Hölderlin: Germany’s Poet of The Gods.” I now consider my therapist’s office (with its huge sign on the wall: “The Road Home”) to be my ‘grounding connection’: the place where I am learning to bring my spiritual ideas (and my life) down to earth. This is the reason for which I moved to Campbell River . . . though the path seems less than transparent. I can only follow my best instincts, and relax and unwind as I feel the need to. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are making significant changes (and change = healing), and have wisely taken yourself out to solitude in Nature to allow for integration. You are also receiving helpful nudges in your dreams [the appearance of an unnamed, middle-aged guru one night—a ‘wise old man’ archetype, according to my dream guidebook; and another night just three words: “the transcendent primitive”—a reference to grounded spirituality, in my estimation]. You are understanding (and have a witness to, via your counsellor) the unique path (as healer / author / artist) that is unfolding in you / as you. Recall that we have said many times, “We are with you for all of it”—as encourager, witness, celebrator, uplifter, comforter and force of compassion and love. And we never quit: The light never goes out here.

I’m having trouble connecting with you tonight. I don’t want to do anything that will ‘put my back out’ again right now. How can I best surrender this situation: give it to my Higher Power? Be nourished by this conversation? Become more peaceful and knowing? Become lighter; more self-accepting; freer from worry and fear and self-criticism? More empowered and self-caring and confident? Self-forgiving? . . . Happier?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are asking all the right questions. Please accept that it is okay not to know it all right now; that you are growing and will continue to do so . . . [yawning] . . . You have remembered a helpful book from your own library [Creating A Life: Finding Your Individual Path by James Hollis: on the Jungian notion of individuation, or soul development, especially after midlife] that speaks powerfully to you. That’s how things happen: a new home; money for courses; surrender to the need for a therapist; an important new / old book; continuing to write; the building of a path that brings meaning out of chaos, light out of darkness, hope out of hopelessness, expansion rather than stagnation.

All good words, dear one, and welcome. Is there anything else I need to know tonight about my journey? About our connectedness? About lightening up?

Love and light, Mr. Neall, is available for the asking, and you are not afraid to ask. Congratulations. And we salute your ‘holiday wisdom’. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self.

April 24, 2014: A & W Restaurant, Merecroft Village, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

With you wherever you are, Mr. Neall.

I’ve been rereading this material from the past two years and two things stand out: the power of this relationship and the progress I am making . . . [yawning] . . . Today I received a beautiful e-mail from a Vancouver writer / teacher / healer friend, reaffirming our strong connection and sending encouraging feedback on my writing (I had sent her my latest essay, “The Mystic’s Path to Peace” and my poem “Vision Quest” earlier today.) I have received birthday greetings (for tomorrow) starting a week ago, and a card and gift in the mail today. Support from therapy sessions is helping me to become more forward-looking, and I had a strong workout at the gym today. What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please recall how often we declared in those writings that we like to be with you; that we offer friendship ‘second to none’; eternal availability; wisdom, nurturing and mentoring of a high quality and custom-suited to your temperament; teaching that overcomes any level of hopelessness and despair; humour that brings a smile to counteract sombreness; lessons in empowerment . . . and tonight: birthday wishes for tomorrow . . .

. . . Dear Neall: Let our love and light sustain you forever. It does so willingly, effortlessly and unconditionally. It never judges you; only uplifts and encourages, gently and patiently.

I like that word ‘patiently’. Today it was two steps forward and then three steps back, when I ‘over-exuberantly’ responded immediately to my friend’s e-mail. I could have let those positive words of hers soak in for a few days; I could have basked in the reaffirmed friendship. Responding so quickly sent my back into spasm and ruined my pleasant day. This level of sensitivity I now turn over to my Higher Power . . .

April 28, 2014: A & W Restaurant, Merecroft Village, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are with you, dear Mr. Neall. Let us serve you tonight.

Thank you. I wish to know: What is the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery? I am enjoying my stable and comfortable home—today improved with the addition of a new-to-me double cassette tape deck, much better quality than my old one (and for $15.00) plus a new headphone extension cord so I can listen to music while lying on the couch (I do have my priorities!) . . .

. . . My birthday turned into a love-fest when three spiritual-minded friends from Burnaby called. That’s the first time I’ve had three people call up and simultaneously shout “We love you!” to me over the phone. This is the result of attention to one’s personal growth; of learning to give to others from one’s talents (I used to lead singalong evenings in that home); of learning to be grateful, and to calm the mind through catharsis, exercise, prayer and meditation. Long may this growth continue. May I also learn to simply ‘live with’ whatever level of ‘anxiety, ambiguity and ambivalence’ I am experiencing (as James Hollis recommends in his book Creating A Life that I am rereading).

Dear Mr. Neall: You are learning and growing, creating a life that is often interesting to you. [Hollis, a Jungian analyst, says that therapy may not necessarily heal you, but it does get you a more interesting life.] Please know that we are with you for every step out of depression and dysfunctionality and into more happiness. Learning to receive love is one of the most important things you can do (as are learning to relax, and treating yourself to things that bring pleasure). Please forgive yourself as often as necessary and remember that there is no judgment on your life or your lifestyle.

I recently had a powerful thought that I wrote down and that I read often these days: “I forgive the part of me that judges the addicted part of me.” . . . This gets me over that dark, hopeless part of my mind that can’t give myself a break: the self-loathing part of me. [poem here?] I gladly give this part up to you (my hyper-sensitivity too), to my wise and merciful teacher, for healing, health and growth; for maturity; for more positivity . . . [yawning] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: We will never let you down. We will hear every bit of negativity you need to process, and help to transform it . . . [yawning] . . .We will ‘hold the light’ for you forever and use our vast array of psychological and spiritual tools for your highest and best good. We are ‘forever friends’—for the asking . . . [yawning] . . . Please ask. Release any burden, any confusion or mental pain, any residue of hopelessness or despair, any darkness. Nothing is beyond us. Nothing is beyond forgiving. No mind is beyond changing through this kind of ‘permanent partnership’ that requires no effort on our part, and is available as long as is required.

Is there anything else I could know tonight about my health / healing / recovery?

Congratulations on your progress at giving yourself pleasure and emerging into a fuller life; on getting the support you want from a therapist; on continuing to expand into ‘a future unlike your past’. We also will continue to provide support—any time, anywhere—without conditions. You can ‘take that to the bank’, dear friend. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self. Your guide.

May 5, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Willis Road at Highway 19, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

With you always, Mr. Neall.

Here I am, sitting in the van, absorbing sunshine on this warm spring day (16 deg. C) while taking in a ‘big view’ of a huge, green, recently mowed field (May is certainly ‘growing month’), treed hills a few miles away, more-distant cumulus clouds and sky. On the field stand two men, about 200 metres away; one of them is flying a radio-controlled model aircraft that is performing great vertiginous loops in the air . . .

. . . My psychological work is paying dividends: Therapy to accelerate healing of the past; the study of new writings on renowned psychologist C.G. Jung and the mystical visions that he experienced in his thirties (1913-16) that formed the foundation of all of his later developments in depth psychology (he wrote them down [in medieval-style lettering and elaborate, artistic drawings and mandalas] in his personal Red Book, which, after years of negotiations, became public in 2009 [see http://www.gnosis.org/redbook/index.html]. I am beginning to understand that, based on my own mystical experiences, I fit into the Gnostic tradition (just as Jung’s research after his visions told him he did), rather than the belief tradition of conventional Christianity (gnosis means knowing . . . “But is it hip-gnosis?” the newly resurrected comedian asks) . . .

[When the breeze changes direction and hails from the east, as it now has, the smell of deep-fried chicken wafts across the parking lot from a Lee’s Famous Chicken franchise, fifty yards behind me.]

. . . I have also , in my studies of the channelled material known as the Matthew Messages [http://www.matthewbooks.com/], come across the notion that there actually was no crucifixion and resurrection. (Matthew is said to be the reincarnation of the biblical apostle Matthew, who died as a teenager in a car accident, and then 14 years later began speaking telepathically to his mother, Suzanne Ward, from the spirit world.) . . . Here are two sample excerpts:

[from September 11, 2010: Matthew speaking]: With his pregnant wife Mary Magdalene, Jesus went back to the East, where he had gone as a youth and spent many years studying with the master teachers. From them he had learned the interconnectedness of all souls with each other and with God and how to use the universal laws for healing bodies, changing or multiplying forms, dematerializing and rematerializing matter and the like—so-called “miracles” that every soul has the innate capacity to perform. That is what Jesus was teaching to the multitudes. Because spreading that knowledge would spell doom to the purposes of the self-serving Sanhedrin, they dealt severely with the disciples who continued Jesus’ teachings, and by making him “the only son of God,” they elevated him to a status that no one else could ever attain.

Also, both Jesus and Mary Magdalene were from highly respected families at the top of Hebrew society. Having him born in a lowly stable and portraying her as a prostitute were other false parts of the story whose roots were in avarice, hubris and power lust and has been handed down through the ages . . .

[from August 1, 2007 message: God speaking]: The FACT is that Jesus was never put on a cross, so there was no crucifixion or resurrection. That rather blows the whole foundation of Christian dogma, doesn’t it? For how, then, could it be that “he gave his life to save sinners”? Sinners means the whole lot of you, according to those who came up with the idea that everyone is “born into sin.” Oh dear me! The only “sin,” if you will, is interfering with the growth of a soul, your own or anyone else’s, and the result is DEvolution, with as many more chances as needed NOT to do that.

Then there’s Mary Magdalene—how wretchedly the Bible portrays her! She was Jesus’ wife and ultimate soulmate, and after the Sanhedrin flogged her husband and warned him to get out of their territory—they didn’t want to make him a martyr as that would give impetus to his teachings—they went to the East where Jesus had spent the “lost” years learning from the masters how to perform “miracles” and where he knew his family was safe. He and Mary had a large happy family there, and years later they all traveled to the West and settled in what now is France. Eventually Jesus returned to the East and along the way continued teaching My REAL Word—the Bible includes some of that, but everything in the early records that didn’t support the self-serving ones’ cause got left out—and he lived to a ripe old age. Although in their later years he and his adored Mary were apart in body, they were so highly attuned spiritually that they were together then, as now and evermore, in spirit and celestial visitations.

[This material can be further explored by doing a search for crucifix on the main Matthew Messages page.]

. . . Further to that, I came across a news story this week on the Internet: A unique, 30-metre-tall cross in northern Italy (the town of Cevo), built in a forward-curving arc, affixed with a 600-kilogram sculpture of Jesus, collapsed, killing a 21-year-old tourist. This happened on April 24 (eleven days ago). ‘Death by the cross’ instead of ‘death on the cross’. How tragic and bizarre that crosses are killing people . . . just as they almost killed me. I lived a half-dead life based on the notion that I didn’t deserve to live fully, because ‘look what Jesus had to go through’. . . . Given all of this, what is the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are persevering, digging deep for answers to the conundrum of your suffering. We applaud your every insight and remind you that we are with you for everything, in this ‘permanent partnership in healing’. You can never be abandoned again. Nurturance and support are yours for the asking – please ask. Progress is being made socially, financially and mentally these days: stable home with increased income, love-filled birthday greetings; meditation time increased to one hour per day . . . not to mention praise and understanding from a like-minded writer friend, M.B., for your recently completed piece of writing “The Mystic’s Path to Peace,” stimulated by your (free) psychology courses at your local college [NIC] . . . Please stop to pat yourself on the back, dear one.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve stopped here in ‘Big Sky Country’ for the afternoon, taking a few hours to reaffirm our connection, our partnership – the one that’s never going to end; the one that is an essential (and eternal) part of my support system.

Consider it so, dear one. “Consider yourself . . . at home,” as the song goes [from the musical Oliver]. You have “unleashed your active imagination,” as Jung would say, and it is healing your life.

I’ve noticed I’m just a little bit happier (and more energetic) these days. When at the gym, after using a paper towel wettened with cleaning solution to wipe down equipment, I sometimes crumple it up and try to toss it into the wastebasket by flipping it behind my back in a ‘trick’ basketball move. A subtle, but important, sign of less seriousness.

Good observation, dear one. Awareness is the key to change, as you know . . . [burping and yawning] . . .

Is there anything else I could know today that would further my health / healing / recovery, partner? That could help to grow feelings of peace and happiness?

Dear one: Please know that you are loved – just as you are . . . today . . . and every day. Imagine yourself as a four-wheel-drive tractor with great lug tires and a powerful engine, all wheels engaged, spitting mud, effectively pulling yourself through a soft patch of ground. For that is the truth. [A raised four-wheel-drive pickup has been screeching its tires around the gas-station parking lot a hundred yards behind me, and all-terrain vehicles with lug tires have been hustling down the street in front of me on their way to the nearby bush. . . . And my next vehicle (a ‘miracle’ car; the result of eight months of prayer; nothing less than a gift from the Universe) would turn out to be . . . a four-wheel-drive vehicle (my first) with a powerful engine] . . . [burping] . . .

Vaya con Dios, friend. Your Higher Self . . . [yawning and tears of joy and gratitude] . . .

May 10, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Glad to be with you, Mr. Neall. 

Dear Higher Self: I’m having trouble loving myself today. After a big healing day yesterday, I’ve contracted into a small, scared, painful place, as I sit here in hot spring sunshine under a mostly clear sky. Last night I dreamed of a tiger or leopard being in my home and me wondering what to feed it. Seems like I have ‘woken the tiger’ [after the book by Peter Levine, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences]. What now? . . . So I turn to my Higher Self, who has answers when I have none . . . who never lets me down . . . who asks only that I take pen in hand and set aside some time. 

Dear Mr. Neall: . . . [yawning; eyes moistening] . . . Please accept that there is a force for unconditional love in the Universe available at every moment . . . [yawning] . . . It is with you now . . . [yawning] . . . This force is aware of your needs, and brings a wide repertoire of skills to every situation . . . [yawning] . . . Faith powers this force—as you have written about lately in your essay “Jet Streams and Life Streams.” And, as we have written here before: “You are building your faith.”. . . Consider all the good things that are happening, Mr. Neall: expressions of love and friendship on your birthday; your powerful healing day yesterday, in which you understood that a lot of your pain comes from having been an innocent and exuberant child who knew about reincarnation and could not be received or welcomed as a spiritual being by his (fundamentalist) family of origin—the opposite of what happened to the child in the book Soul Survivor: The Reincarnation of a World War II Fighter Pilot that you read a review of yesterday . . . 

. . . We are sorry for the misunderstanding and suffering you have experienced all your life as a result of these early experiences. Things have not been easy for you at times (not unlike the poet Rilke, whose life you studied and wrote about in your essay “Rainer Maria Rilke: Singer of Solitude”). Please accept, dear one, that there is a force for healing available in this very moment—one that wants to help fill you with love and light and peace of mind. It emanates from a source of friendship whose scale is beyond your wildest imaginings, that judges you not—nor will it ever; that is bigger than any problem or situation you may be facing—as you have proven to yourself many times. Prove it again today—we will not fail you; we hear your call. 

Once again, I must surrender to my Higher Power, that most certainly never meant me any harm; that responds to my call—and has unfailingly done so for nine years now—with unconditional regard, healing wisdom and nurturance; that teaches me about love—the language I seek to learn; and about the Land of Hope . . . [burping] . . . 

And we always will, dear one. That is how ‘the system’ works—and will, for all eternity . . . [burping] . . . 

Not easy to grasp, in the times when I feel small and contracted and scared and in pain. 

We know . . . [yawning] . . . 

Thank you for knowing; for seeing me as a soul being seeking liberation; for demonstrating compassion and mercy as I seek to learn it; for being the kind of brother and teacher and wise friend I’ve always wanted; for demonstrating patience . . . [went for a walk] . . . 

. . . Yesterday after my meltdown reading the Soul Survivor book review I went for a walk, then sat and read the national daily paper over a decaf at Tim Hortons Merecroft Village. A child perhaps two years old came wandering close to me, on his own. I was entranced by his handsomeness and his longish blond curly hair. He came closer than I thought he would, and then he paused, just a half metre away, as he chewed energetically and grasped in his left hand the half-eaten remainder of a chocolate glaze Timbit. I asked him if it tasted good and he nodded. His mother, who had been busy in the next aisle with her hot food order, then appeared and escorted the tyke away . . . 

. . . Slowly I realized who the boy was and what he represented. This was me: innocent, curious, long golden curls (that got me teased and taunted for being ‘a girl’). I had just met myself as a child! Now I truly understand how important it is to nurture the innocent child who still lives within me. That boy at Timmy Ho’s radiated light (even as he shoved the last half-Timbit into his small mouth, filling it to overflowing so that he could barely chew). I will do whatever it takes! Help me, dear one, to remember this experience and to always honour and respect my innocent inner child’s needs. 

Dear Mr. Neall: You had a big healing day indeed. And then your acquaintances, the healing couple, showed up: ‘the grounded people’: your teachers and mentors in this new, grounded lifestyle you are developing in Campbell River as ‘the transcendent primitive’. Congratulations, Mr. Neall, on your progress. Take all the holiday time you need to integrate your changes. And the weather is cooperating. Bless you, dear Mr. Neall. . . . Vaya con Dios, always. Your Higher Self. 


May 15, 2014: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Always available, Mr. Neall. 

And thank you for that. . . . Tonight I turn to my friend—the one who judges me not, who forgives all mistakes, deviations and ‘wrong turns’ and my detours into self-judgment, self-destructiveness and self-punishment, of which I have just completed one of the most painful . . .

. . . I connected with J. via e-mail on the weekend to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, then heard back from her two days ago, then sent her another note back. Then my back went into the worst burning spasm in months, if not years. All that beautiful healing work of last week—gone out the window, replaced by a severe attack of suffering that continues into today. I am deeply investigating this incident to glean every bit of learning from it I can. I don’t want this repeated ever again—especially now that I’ve experienced The Good Life at a high level . . .

. . . My thinking on it so far goes like this: I am developing the most important intimacy of my life (of eternity, actually) in getting to know a God that I can believe in—after thirty-plus years of seeking. This is my saving grace—as I was informed via an inner voice during a Vision Quest in the BC Interior many years ago, in the words “The only thing that will heal your back is your relationship with the Universe.” As soon as I try to have an intimate relationship with another person—make her my priority—I lose my higher perspective (not to mention that I end up trying to make her happy rather than myself, which requires a level of self-assertiveness I don’t yet know). What, dear friend, is the most important thing for me to know about my health / healing / recovery today? 

Dear Mr. Neall: We applaud you once more for sitting down, pen in hand, to explore the conundrums of (your) life. There is no better way to relieve suffering—though a 60-minute daily meditation is working well for you. Please know that we will do everything in our power to help bring peace to your mind / body / heart / emotions; to bring ‘recognizable friendship’ to bear on your awareness, with its healing power of unconditional love and a return to the present moment. 

A return to unconditional love, positive self-regard and a strong ethic of self-care is my goal for this session with my partner. I am willing to be pleasantly surprised—even awakened to new insights / new awareness . . . and especially to receive hope for an end to attacks of self-loathing and / or self-punishment. Dear one: How do I get this right? 

You ‘get it right’ by loving yourself unconditionally and by forgiving yourself every ‘mistake’; by doing what you have been doing: cardio and workout session at the rec centre last night; prayers and sunshine walk and a nap this morning; a one-hour meditation this afternoon and now taking pen in hand for Higher Self dialogue. You are well-schooled in self-care, Mr. Neall. You get busy as soon as an emotional issue arises. Next you would have called an (embodied) friend. . . . That’s progress, Mr. Neall—progress into love and light; progress into awakening. Remember your favourite Confucius saying: “Our greatest glory, etc. . . .” The glory lies in picking yourself up again; in not succumbing to hopelessness, despair or defeat this time around . . . [tears; yawning] . . . 

And this is you, doing your job (once again). 

Exactly. And this is you, surrendering to hope and upliftment—from within yourself. 

Is there anything else I could know today, dear competent friend? 

Enjoy the sunshine of the long spring evenings in Campbell River, Mr. Neall. Remember how powerful you feel doing gratitude practice at home or on your walks. Remember that you are never going to give up. Remember that we are with you for eternity—you are never alone. And remember that we have a sense of humour—and we always will have. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your (empowered) Higher Self. 


May 28, 2014: B.W. home, Bartlett Court, Burnaby, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Glad to be with you again, Mr. Neall. 

My healing journey continues, dear one. Here I am in the Burnaby home of my healing circle friends, looking after B.’s two small Shih Tzus. Today I had a ‘last meeting’ with J., who lives in Vancouver and with whom I ended things via e-mail from Campbell River a week ago. My spiritual self wouldn’t allow me to be drained by her any more. After our meeting at a nearby Tim Hortons, I came back here and started thinking about her; I was thinking about the inner message I had received soon after we had met nine years ago, telling me that we had been a couple in Asia a long time ago, in an unstable political climate from which we’d had to flee. I realized that the major element in our relationship could be summed up by the words, “If I don’t protect her, she could die.” And I had been carrying that concern for 500 years. Grieving let this all go . . . It let me see that we came together in the 21st century for a reason—to heal the past: the course I have recently accelerated in my life. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Love and light and healing are available to all, at all times, and you are a diligent student. Your perseverance at letting go of the past is paying off, as you see yourself becoming a person you hardly recognize any more—more confident, communicative and connected to life. Congratulations. Our partnership will never end, as you know, and is worth celebrating whenever you feel like it. 

Celebrating is indeed a language I wish to learn, dear one. It seems closely related to the language of happiness. And my gym workouts are bringing more relaxation and thus peace of mind (though looking over the balcony railing from the 21st floor here sets my mind aflutter for sure) . . .

. . . Reading the mythologist Joseph Campbell is helping my mind to realize that there is much more to religious thought than the fundamentalist story I grew up with. I like his notion that a ‘paradigm shift’ has occurred on Earth since the photos of Earth from the moon were published (Earth hanging in space—there’s no heaven visible), one that has unsettled the old belief systems. [The first ‘Blue Marble’ image of the Earth was taken by Apollo astronauts returning from the moon in 1972.] There is no longer something fixed to hang on to. God is not an intellectual idea, perhaps rather . . . a spiritual force filling the whole Universe that also lives in my heart . . . impersonal yet also personal through the notion of the Higher Self? . . . Ah, yes: love and light. The sine qua non. The ne plus ultra. The One in All, the All in One. The Eternal Divine. The Friend. The teacher of Empowered Happiness. The Beloved One in Rumi’s poetry. . . . Is there anything else I could know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear teacher of celebration? 

For those willing to learn, much is given, Mr. Neall, and will continue to be given. “When the destination is assured, the journey is assured.” . . . Blessings, dear seeker. Vaya con Dios. Your Burnaby-style Higher Self. 


June 1, 2014: Timmy Ho’s, Lougheed Town Centre, Burnaby, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Always with you, Mr. Neall. 

I have another visit with my girlfriend coming up in an hour. I’m not feeling well. Even though it might be difficult, we have decided to stay together, as we’ve realized the deep connection between us. Please let me know that I’ve made the right decision; that I’m learning at last to feel protective toward someone—who also feels protective towards me; and we will continue to nourish and care for each other moving forward. I promised today I would give her a ‘spiritual therapy’ session. I pray that things go well, and that I can be truly helpful. . . . What’s the most important thing to know today, dear one? How can I feel better today? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we are with you, as guide, friend, mentor, teacher—whatever will make you feel whole, relaxed and happy. Please note that there is no judgment on your life or on any of your activities. There never was and never will be. We are here to uplift, inspire, teach, inform, nourish, encourage—anywhere, any time. There is no limit to our resources, or our patience. We will stay till you ‘get it’—whatever ‘it’ is for you today. 

That is the type of teacher I want: a true friend. In that type of company, problems dissolve, issues resolve, the past gets released. 

Indeed, Mr. Neall, that is how things work. That is part of your ‘healer’s wisdom’, that you will soon be using. You are not alone with it. You are part of a ‘family of lightworkers’—all of whom wish you well on this day. 

That is my wish, my desire: to be part of such a family; to be known as a lightworker and healer; to feel connected to, and supported and nourished by, fellow healers as I teach this wisdom. . . . Time to go. Thank you, dear Higher Self. I say to you the words my girlfriend said to me the other day: ”You are a very important person in my life.” May it always be so. 

So be it. . . . Your hopeful, helpful Higher Self, eternal lightworker. 


June 3, 2014: Timmy Ho’s, North Road, Burnaby, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Glad to be with you again, Mr. Neall. 

‘Just’ wanting to connect, dear one, to confirm your presence in me, as me and around me, after too many dark hours last night. My mind is not as healthy as I thought yet. It was telling me to ‘practise flying’ by jumping off the balcony of my friend’s apartment—which is on the 21st floor. I struggled to sit in meditation for a full hour to move those thoughts through and out. In an attempt to change my brain chemistry, I got up to take rhodiola (herbs) and several tablespoons of coconut oil. There was great burping as the emotions cleared, and gradually I felt more in control of my mind and brain . . . 

. . . Today, instead of going for a walk, I watched several uplifting 30-minute videos on the computer from the Hay House Summit, featuring Dr. Wayne Dyer, Esther Hicks / Abraham and Iyanla Vanzant. This is the world I belong in, dear one—the world of solving life problems through spirituality, through a relationship with an ‘unlimited god force’ greater than any issue I could be facing, greater than any conundrum my mind could create. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear friend? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Once again you have come through the darkness, as you grow to another level. Living ‘high up’ can bring up issues for those who are ‘afraid of heights’—that is, afraid of their own greatness; whose greatness is hidden by unresolved fears. Congratulations on whatever level of fear you moved out yesterday. And congratulations on once again taking up your discipline of automatic writing for a conversation with a Higher Self that knows nothing of fear; that fulfills its promise of being always available; that is ‘the lightworker extraordinaire’, a part of eternity and a friend forever. Ask away, Mr. Neall . . . [yawning] . . . 


Is there any way forward except through the darkness, dear one? . . . [yawning] . . . 

To live in love and light, one goes through the darkness. Have you ever done it any other way? All the progress you have made has come in such a way—facing your fears, grieving if necessary, changing your mind and then moving forward with more consciousness and compassion, less fear and pain, less past and more presence. The present is where empowered life happens, dear Mr. Neall, as you are so diligently learning—and as we so effortlessly teach. Again, we say congratulations—as well for your breakdown and subsequent breakthrough with your girlfriend this week that will create a long-lasting relationship of nourishment / caring / love for you. 

Now there is something I truly want to surrender to—as well as our partnership in this dialogue. This kind of nonjudgmental, patient caring is the language I have been wanting to learn—and am willing to learn, in spite of my darker personality aspects; indeed because of my darker personality aspects. . . . ’I believe; help Thou mine unbelief’. Help me care for myself, for my soul’s growth—even when I don’t feel like it. 

Dear Mr. Neall: Please recall that we are anything you need, whenever you need it, and that this never changes. That’s our ‘job’, which we perform, effortlessly and willingly, 24 / 7. You are welcome to participate in our light and wisdom, also 24 / 7—no conditions, no questions asked, unlimited availability. That is ‘the power of God’—the spiritual path, the path of awareness and awakening. We walk it with you gladly—gladly, Mr. Neall: hand in hand, mind in mind, heart in heart—anywhere, any time, any condition you are in. . . . We cannot fail, Mr. Neall, and we cannot fail you: nonjudgmental acceptance; every mistake forgiven—for the price of a bit of discipline, for the price of gaining a new career path of writer and lightworker. Could you get such a deal anywhere else? 

No—of that I am convinced. I welcome our dialogue, friend. Thank you for blessing my visit with my Vancouver writer friend, M.B., tomorrow and my car repairs too. I am grateful for the hope you are bringing me, and for the awareness of the benefits of learning gratitude. . . . I release this writing for this day. 


June 6, 2014: Parking lot at picnic site, Rolley Lake Provincial Park, near Mission, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

With you always, Mr. Neall. 

I’m back wanting to establish a holiday mood, dear one: free from the past, free from fear and worry. I completed the dog-sit yesterday and camped overnight here at Rolley Lake Park. My waking moments this morning were accompanied by birdsong and I did 45 minutes of exercise, unusual for me at that time of day. Again, I’ve done gratitude practice, even shouting my statements, while driving on the highway to Mission and back for supplies. It’s an act that brings me happiness because it is me speaking my truth. As I motored effortlessly down the road, I was truly grateful for the freedom and mobility that a dependable and cozy vehicle (that I can also comfortably sleep in) brings me; also for things like my eyesight and my beautiful, multi-functional, creative and healing hands . . .

. . . I understand from my recent days in Burnaby and Vancouver that I am now involved with people at a deeper, more grounded level than ever before (perhaps in any lifetime). This is quite a change to absorb / integrate. It is a positive change from the aloneness of a few years ago; a decrease in misery. Years ago I wrote down an insight I received walking back to the parking lot after a spontaneous visit to the sanctuary at the large Buddhist temple on Steveston Highway in Richmond, BC: 

                         I had thought, because I was suffering,

That I needed to be alone,

But it was being alone

That was most of my suffering.

Welcome to the real world, I say to myself now. I am noticed and cared about by quite a few. I am ‘passing my tests’ in the social realm. This time in the Lower Mainland was an evaluation time—assessing my progress before returning to Campbell River (for more growing) on June 9. I’m enjoying the cooling breeze passing through my windows on this warm spring day, bringing hope of truly changing my mind from chronic misery to a state of celebration. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about that today, dear one? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we are always with you and that we always will be. Just take the time to tune in: something you are becoming good at. Please know that we are aware of your progress into groundedness, stability, connectedness and happiness, and that we applaud your sense of discipline that is helping you to make progress . . .

. . . Please also know that your Source is here, and that as you learn to nourish yourself you will know how to help others do the same. It is an eternal, infinite Source that dwells in every heart. As you ease the pain and hurt in your heart, allowing compassion for others and yourself, every aspect of your being will change. As you change your mind to allow your heart to open, peace will grow. You’ll free yourself from argumentativeness and prickliness and lack of courage. How’s that in exchange for a bit of discipline? 

Worth it, dear one . . . definitely worth it. This is ‘partnership par excellence’—my ‘spring romance’. 

We are here to help—always, in all ways: whatever it takes, night or day. It is a depth of friendship you’ve barely scratched the surface of so far. It is eternal friendship, bringing whatever is needed to create wholeness / holiness in this moment—even to those who may feel undeserving or unworthy: especially to those who feel undeserving or unworthy. Can you accept that, Mr. Neall? Believe it and it’s yours. When you are unable to believe it, use your disciplines to reconnect and relieve your fear or worry and any sense of lack. That’s the path—the way to the light . . . to the purposeful life; the empowered life; the happy life. . . . Vaya con Dios, dear one. Your Higher Self, rolling along at Rolley Lake. 


June 8, 2014: Timmy Ho’s, Mary Hill Bypass, Port Coquitlam, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Right with you, Mr. Neall—without fear or favour, without judgment. 

After two nights of camping at Alouette Lake Provincial Park in Maple Ridge, BC, and a half day exploring the wetlands and farms of the Pitt Lake / Pitt Polder region, I’m on my way to Vancouver to co-lead my first singalong evening in years, along with my friend and longtime music partner, M.D. I’ve been walking at Pitt Lake and on the dykes of the sinuous Alouette River, listening to birdsong and the croaking of frogs; taking in the great greenness of the trees, blueberry fields and the evergreen-covered mountains; feeling the breezes of late spring in the Fraser Valley; being grateful for the gifts of Nature—for which there is no substitute and which receives my grief or joy with equanimity. . . . What’s the most important thing to know today, dear one, in order to be ready for my evening of musical leadership? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Those who ask for spiritual help receive it, and you are not afraid to ask. . . . Have we ever let you down? We are friends, Mr. Neall, involved in a permanent partnership of health, happiness and peace—no matter what. We are a healing system that cannot fail. We are bigger than any problem you can face (we’ve gotten you through a few big ones), using the power of wisdom, compassion, humour, patience, love and light. And we will never let you down, ever. We are available for dialogue anywhere, any time. We cannot be stopped. 

You are The Good News—nothing less . . . 

Let it in, Mr. Neall. And it’s available free (today, for the price of a Timmy Ho’s doughnut). Learn empowered living and become happy. Learn self-love and become free. Learn self-forgiveness and you’ll laugh again. All your goals met, dear Mr. Neall; all your problems solved. 

You are wonderful (as if I didn’t already know) . . . 

And (don’t forget)—not separate from you. 

Thank you. Is there anything else I could know today to enhance my well-being? 

Love yourself, Mr. Neall—day and night—and reap The Good Life; the connected life; the life of courage; the life free from fear and worry; the life able to handle ups and downs, including unfaithful friends, as you experienced earlier this week. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your ever-steady Higher Self. 


June 11, 2014: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Glad to be with you, Mr. Neall . . . [tears; yawning] . . . 

Frustration and pain have taken over, dear friend. Frustration at lack of strength and losing balance when I go to walk, and burning pain in my lower back—perhaps from too much socializing on my 15-day sojourn in the Lower Mainland. On Sunday, June 8, I co-led a two-hour singalong evening, singing my favourite songs with a dozen others, relating anecdotes on each song that I have gathered from here and there over the years or researched on Wikipedia. I felt empowered in a group the way I hadn’t in three years—since I last led a musical evening. Plus I ‘enhanced’ six relationships during my visits while being more social than in three years as well . . .

. . . Upon returning to Campbell River the next day the pains began: physical, mental, emotional; I feel that my body / mind has ‘let me down’, as I sit in my living room looking through my double-glazed balcony doors, feeling the breeze come in, hearing the cars and trucks hiss by on Dogwood Street . . . experiencing near-total frustration with the back condition, dear one. I pray to be guided in my health. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, a day in which I feel hopeless and helpless once again? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Please accept our compassion, which we freely offer—as much as is required, as long as is required. We never quit, Mr. Neall. We never quit being available in every possible way, with an unlimited toolbox of mind-changing wellness techniques. 

That is what I have come to know. My situation today seems unsolvable, however—hopeless, frustrating, beyond help . . . [burping; yawning] . . . I seem to be struggling with a new level of maturity, based on my social experiences of the past two weeks. I’m in ‘new territory’, as it is said—I barely recognize myself, given the social acceptance I’ve (mostly) experienced—the complete opposite of my self-loathing, isolating, addicted self. This is a new, more confident me . . .

. . . Still, I feel scared a lot of the time—scared of the darkness still within me—as I also experienced during the past two weeks; scared that no one wants to hear about the depths of pain and unconsciousness that I experience; the tiredness and lack of energy, the lack of sense to my life (a reflection of the ‘senseless violence’ I experienced as a child and also in the distant past?) . . . [burping] . . . What does my Higher Self offer in response to this scenario? . . . [yawning] . . . Where are my wise Buddhist masters today—the Dalai Lama, Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse, Ajahn Brahm, Pema Chodron? 

Dear Mr. Neall: You are never left alone. Believe it, dear one: it is the truth . . . [tears] . . . the timeless truth . . . [yawning] . . . It never changes. 

It is the part of me I want to get to know . . . and spend more time with—so that I become more unafraid and more peaceful. 

Request received, dear Mr. Neall. Your goals are worthy. Lightening up comes highly recommended. Notice how often [spiritual teacher and author] Eckhart Tolle smiles or laughs on the YouTube videos you’ve been watching lately. 

That is my goal—more smiles and laughter. 

Part of an unlimited Universe, dear one. Your time will come. 

And you will be with me then, too . . . 

Of course. We cannot be separated. We are a part of you—and we always will be: the incontrovertible truth of a sunny Wednesday afternoon. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self. 


June 14, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing (facing open fields, distant hills and the western sky) 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

We will never let you down, Mr Neall. 

I’ve been getting my writing organized and up-to-date: articles, essays and poems that will could form a book on ‘the mystic’s path’. The times when I feel inspired to write are a blessing. I feel the presence of my soul as I mull over the deep connection to Nature I have experienced, and the connection to a power greater than myself as well. As I sit in my van and write, breezes that waft through the open windows carry cooking aromas from nearby Lee’s ‘Famous Recipe’ Chicken as well as the sounds of birds in the forest to the south . . .

. . . I am glad to have a counsellor to talk things over with once a week to help with my new life vision, my new direction, my new, non-victimized identity. I am glad to have this writing activity as a discipline, as well as my hour of daily meditation; it is sometimes hard to believe I am willing to do this, yet it seems essential now to learn to sit with my mind rather than to follow its (sometimes self-destructive) urgings and cravings. 

As you know, Mr. Neall, we will never, ever leave you. We are available anywhere, any time, for any reason including celebrating successes and overcoming the darkest states of mind. We are the ‘steady companion’ you have longed for. 

And how could I feel better today, Higher Self who judges me not? Yesterday I did a catharsis session that has made me feel stronger. What kind of support group could I find that might work? A writing and creativity group? A recovery group? My back doesn’t hold up with lengthy conversations or singing performances. . . . Perhaps I need to take time to celebrate the social successes of my Vancouver trip, plus the successes of an affordable counsellor and transportation that has most of the bugs worked out, having a quiet and spacious place to come and write, to the accompaniment of birdsong . . . 

 . . . Perhaps I could watch comedy videos later and find some amusement today. Firing up my ABBA Greatest Hits CD in the van two days ago, after years away from it, seemed to indicate a change to a more positive outlook. . . . And with all of this, you are with me, dear ‘therapist par excellence’, friend and companionero, guide and helper. 


. . . As long as it takes, dear Mr. Neall. As many times as you forget and as often as you fall, we will be there: without hesitation, without any kind of agenda, without judgment. It’s friendship, dear one . . . just friendship: a listening ear; nurturance; compassion; wisdom; freedom from fear of abandonment; an open heart. 

You are like a spiritual master (I’m thinking of meditation master Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse, who years ago appeared in a dream standing beside me with his arm around me, providing a great feeling of belonging, safety and warmth: the end of longing. This week I wept reading the annual newsletter of the organization he founded to promote Buddhism and Buddhist education (large monasteries in Bhutan, India and China and an international philanthropic organization: Khyentse Foundation). There’s a clue to my healing. Yet, can I trust another master and not get lost in an organization? I have so many reasons not to trust. 

That heart has it reasons, too, and wants to go home. And the soul wants to be happy and peaceful . . . will you let it? . . . We leave you today in a question, dear one. Travel safely. Vaya con Dios. . . . Your Higher Self. 


June 20, 2014: A & W Restaurant, Merecroft Village, Campbell River, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

We are with you, Mr. Neall. 

Dear friend: I’m truly missing the simplicity of life ‘on the road’ when I was travelling and camping in the BC Interior a few years ago, in ‘big sky world’ . . . when connecting with my Higher Self seemed effortless and easy and automatic; when I seemed to have had fewer health concerns and didn’t live as close to others as I do in my current apartment building, where drunken shouting awoke me at 2:00 a.m. today (though it was the only such incident in the nine months I’ve been here). I wasn’t as socially connected as I am now either, or feel as focused . . .

. . . Perhaps a session of gratitude practice is in order. Here’s the list: affordable, stable, comfortable and spacious home; free access to the gym for workouts and hot showers that keep my home hydro bills down; trouble-free transportation (van and bicycle) for months; affordable counsellor; male companionship for wide-ranging intelligent conversation on Father’s Day; new, attention-getting photo images from shooting spring flowers at the Campbell River library courtyard; long days of light and warm spring weather; the discipline to meditate one hour each day. . . . What’s the best way to simplify my life—to surrender to love—today, dear friend? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Your awareness to go into gratitude practice when you are feeling out of sorts is a strong tool, as is this journalling dialogue. Please know that we will never let you down; we will never abandon you; and we will never stop making the Big Picture available to seekers like you. We cannot do otherwise. 

And I would like your presence to help me with communications with my ‘unfaithful friend’ in Vancouver, who I have known for twenty-five years, and to whom I sent a strongly worded three-page letter yesterday over her mistreatment of me at our recent visit. I want my relationship with my Higher Self to help me live with less fear and worry—about everything: including the children near me consuming root beer floats and hamburgers and going through their sandwiches pulling out the vegetables and one of them declaring “Yuck! No tomatoes!” 

Dear Mr. Neall: We are specialists in ‘freedom from fear and worry’. Bring it all to us . . . [sigh] . . . Think about the sunshine that thrilled you this morning when you awoke, Mr. Neall; the clouds that circulate the planet; the expanded vistas of the province and the country you live in. Start planning a holiday, with your free camping privileges in provincial parks. No worries there, as you live out of doors and totally set your own agenda, living in Nature, which is very large and very forgiving. While you are there, forgive yourself every perceived mistake of this and every other lifetime, which you are learning to let go of through your counselling sessions. Remember what you learned years ago: Getting ‘off the beaten track’ gets you ‘off the beaten-up track’. It gets you from hell back into heaven, where peace of mind reigns. It ‘returns you to love’, as the book you are reading (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson) talks about . . . There is the freedom from fear and worry you are seeking—and where it always will be found . . . 

. . . You are ‘in the ballpark’, Mr. Neall, getting ready for the new game—the game of peace and happiness. You see now the kind of perseverance it takes—and that we have never let you down on your long journey, and never judged you, and we never will. As far into the future as you can imagine, we will be with you. That is not ‘merely a fact’, it is the truth. And you are learning to do whatever it takes to live in that truth. Congratulations, friend, partner, companionero, seeker, Beloved—entering The Land of Hope. 


June 25, 2014: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self. 

Speak away, Mr. Neall. We are with you. 

I wish to become more peaceful tonight, dear one [11:00 p.m.]. I awoke today with the most positive feelings of my entire adult life, still immersed in the positive dream I had just had, in which new stores, perhaps one a grocery store, were just being completed. My Campbell River healing couple were involved. Then later I had to, in a letter I worked on for days, break off relations with my ‘unfaithful friend’. I still had some anger about the situation, but the hours spent on it have given me a better perspective on who I am and what my skills and talents as a spiritual healer are. Of course, you know all about them already. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? How can I find the inner peace I am still seeking, despite meditating an hour a day? 

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that there is no problem too big for us to solve, and that there is all the time with us available that is necessary. There is no lack of any kind. You can say anything you need or want to say, take all the time you need until you are clear in your mind, and thus at peace . . . [yawning] . . . We have nothing else to do than to give you our full attention; to make light available to the situation at hand; to be a demonstration of the absence of lack, a demonstration of wholeness—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and social; to be a demonstration of home: eternal home. All for the taking up of pen in hand . . .

. . . We will never let you down, Mr. Neall. We are available morning, noon and night, without fail. Summer or winter? No problem. Lack of self-acceptance? No problem. Issues with friends? No problem. Lost your sense of humour? No problem. Unable to forgive yourself? No problem. Lost your sense of purpose? No problem. Angry? No problem. . . . You are not guilty, and you are forgiven, washed clean, purified and free—free of hopelessness and despair; free of any burden you are carrying; free forever. That’s how you felt this morning after your dream—free forever! . . .

. . . Let it happen, dear one. Let courage and love and light fill your mind and heart; think well of yourself and others. There’s the new world you are seeking: total forgiveness; total relaxation; total happiness (that language you seek to learn) . . . for the price of a bit of discipline (okay, in your case, a lot of disciplines, including prayer, bodybuilding and exercise [you’re currently discovering the notion called ‘movement as joy’], journalling, meditation, therapy). Congratulations. We are fully for you in this—a big shift in consciousness. 

Unconditional, unlimited, non-judgmental support is a notion that takes some getting used to. 

We’re always available, Mr. Neall. You know from experience that there is not an ounce of judgmentalness in us—never was, never will be. This is the Big Picture speaking. In us there is the peace that requires no understanding, that is freely available. It is a teaching for those with ears to hear; for those with pen in hand; for those with a heart still beating to the rhythm of life . . . 

. . . Never give up, Mr. Neall. Perseverance is the key to what you are seeking. Those that seek shall find the treasure—‘God’s Goblet of Grace’, as you call it in your poem (“Against Coffee as the Holy Grail”) . . . [burping] . . . Enjoy your summer, dear one. Take many holidays, without isolating too much. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self. 


August 10, 2014: Roadside shady spot, Jubilee Parkway near Campbell River Airport [31 deg. C: hottest day of the year so far]

I wish to speak to my Higher Self, force of love and light.

We are with you, Mr. Neall, ready to ‘go to work’.

It’s a long time since my last dialogue, dear one. That must mean things are going well. Today, though, I feel worn out. Three straight hours of intense editing of my main three essays in order to show them to an important new contact were too much. I realized that too late. Now my lower back is burning and I’m in misery once again. . . . I’m planning a trip to the Lower Mainland / Fraser Valley for a nephew’s wedding on the 16th. It will be a long time since I’ve seen family-of-origin members, and I’m praying it won’t be too stressful . . .

. . . My four brothers and I will be singing “I’ve Just Seen A Face” (Lennon / McCartney) (with guitars and in three-part harmony), so I’ll arrive a few days early (and camp on the property) in order to practise together. Music will help me / us communicate, I truly pray. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please take all the time you need for rest and recuperation. We will never judge you for it, as you know. We will never rush you, or make you feel ashamed or small—over anything, ever. We will treat you like a good friend, a respected and talented fellow lightworker, a student of humour and healing, a seeker of wellness and a partner in self-realization . . .

. . . There is no agenda or schedule you have to maintain. Take frequent time outs—please. Study comedy on the Internet [I’ve been taking in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee by Jerry Seinfeld]. Whatever it takes, dear one . . . whatever it takes to feel happy and healthy and homeward bound.

Your words are music to my ears today, dear ‘permanent partner’, forgiving one, wisdom teacher and master healer. To feel forgiven for every ‘mistake’ creates a feeling of joy and freedom: the chains, the ‘mind-forged manacles’ (that I created) have been unlocked. This must be the ‘liberation’ that Jesus (and some Christian thinkers) speak of. ‘Heaven help me’ to stay on this path.

Heaven will give you all the help you can stand, dear Mr. Neall. ‘We never close’; we are as near as your pen.

Could this be what I’m having trouble ‘digesting’ these days, with the chronic gut problems?

When you change your mind, every aspect of your physical health can improve, Mr. Neall. This is just what you are studying. And we will never cease being of assistance. You cannot get rid of us—please remember this. Burn this into your consciousness. Let it replace some of the dysfunctional patterns that currently reside there. Add: ‘Help is always available’.

That means ‘love and light’ is always available . . .

You’ve got it, Pontiac . . . And patience. And peace of mind. And prosperity. And perspicacity. And purposefulness.

You are ‘the whole package’ . . .

In a nutshell: Yes.

Is there anything else I could know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? Any more love (or self-love) that I could let in?

You understand the basics, Mr. Neall. That’s why you’ve started looking at yourself in mirror first thing in the morning and saying: “I love myself”; “I love you, Neall”; “You love yourself, Neall”; and “Neall loves himself” for five minutes. You are building a lifestyle of freedom from fear and worry—and that is where greatness lies. It always will. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your hot-day Higher Self.

August 16, 2014: Clock Farm, 8th Avenue, Langley Township, BC [my younger brother’s home; day of his older son’s wedding]

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall, wherever you are.

I’m here for two days for the wedding of my nephew. Yesterday I practised with my brothers the Beatles song we will sing at the ceremony this evening; we will practise again later today. I also mingled successfully with several nephews and their girlfriends and then with many arrived guests as well as friends doing the preparations. This morning I’ve had a peaceful bike ride through a woodland trail and past creeks and many small horse farms. My mind has been singing the song “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” which I take to be evidence of your participation in today’s events. . . . What’s the most important thing to know about having a good day?

Dear Mr. Neall: Once again you take pen in hand to help you with an important day. Congratulations . . . [burping] . . . on your perseverance, your discipline . . . [yawning] . . . You are ‘in good hands’. Your Higher Self will never let you down . . . [burping; yawning; tearing up] . . . Notice how yesterday started to improve, following an emotionally shaky start early at the Nanaimo ferry terminal [I slept in my truck overnight in the ferry lineup area], after you went into ‘prayer mode’ and repeated the 23rd Psalm and the Our Father over and over. . . . You are on an adventure here, Mr. Neall, with family of origin you haven’t seen in over a decade. Congratulations on showing up – that in itself is significant: letting people see you. You may be doing better emotionally than you think . . .

. . . And when you’re stressed or tired or out-of-sorts, you meditate or exercise or go for a bike ride . . . or write. “It’s Writing, My Friend,” as one of your poems is titled. And friendship equals love: the subject you are learning . . . [yawning] . . .

Thank you for reminding me. On this important day, I want all the fearlessness and love I can handle. I would like today to be another success story, which to me means demonstrating emotional stability and inner calm . . . [burping] . . . no matter what transpires . . . and then knowing when it’s time to leave the celebrations, and then departing, no matter what others are doing or think of me – and still feel loved. . . . How’s that for asking for what I want?

Keep asking, Mr. Neall – we’ll keep delivering. You are a ‘favourite son’ in this [Higher Self] world, and will always be. . . . Let that sink in. Let that bring a smile to your face . . . as you feel yourself smiled upon, and ‘safe at last’.

That last one especially is what I want to feel: ‘safe at last’: free from terrors and fears and stress . . . [burping] . . . Is there anything else I could know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? Before I have some breakfast? [it’s 8:20 a.m.]

Your disciplines are serving you well, dear one. Please believe that we are with you, that we like you – in fact we love you . . . and that peace with your family of origin is possible. In infinity, it is definitely one of the options. Claim your piece of peace today – and every day . . . and don’t forget to ‘write (yourself) home’ once in a while, dear Mr. Neall. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self.

August 23, 2014: Ocean-view parking, Highway 19A at Rockland Road, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Blessings, dear one. We are with you.

I’m getting some fresh air tonight on one of these summer evenings when it’s too nice to stay indoors. I’m feeling some anxiety, as I begin to realize, particularly after my powerful acupuncture session [with Niels Christensen] three days ago, that the past is no longer a viable place to hang out. My future is . . . writing, art, music, healing, Nature, God . . . This is quickly becoming ‘a future unlike my past’. I’m not beating myself up so much; I don’t mind my disciplines, mostly; I’m getting stronger from the gym workouts and daily barefoot walks in the grass that sometimes include 80-metre sprints these days, as I let myself ‘groove on movement’ and learn to enjoy different speeds in barefoot mode . . .

. . . The music my four brothers and I performed at my nephew’s wedding was well-received (standing ovation from 180 attendees), so it looks like I / we have found a way to communicate – through music. Our reminiscing on the weekend centred on music, and I feel more cared about by them than ever before. . . . What, dear guide and mentor, would be the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight?

Dear Mr. Neall: We are with you – always available, as you have come to know. You understand that your solitary, wandering days are over, dear one. [I went to pack to go on a camping trip a few weeks ago, and found that I had no desire to be ‘where nobody knows my name’ -- rather to be in my Campbell River home and connected to others here.] You are finding the courage to engage in new healing modalities such as acupuncture, and the discipline to take your issues to your meditation practice for an hour a day. That is how things change. . . . Know that we support such change – unconditionally: as friend, as partner, as guide, as father / mother – whatever is needed, at any moment of the day.

How soon I forget your willingness; your friendship; your unlimited, eternal, compassionate nature; your ‘mastery of life’; your light; your peace.

You are getting to know us, Mr. Neall, and that is good news for you. And, as you also know, we are always positive and uplifting – no matter your situation, your location or your vocation.

You’re the ‘permanent partnership’ that I am hardwired for (as is everyone else). That’s real good news -- ‘news I can use’, as the Steppenwolf lyric states.

Your goal of becoming ‘an empowered soul being living in a body on Planet Earth in the twenty-first century’ is coming true – as you realized during your long talk with the successful photo artist / gallery owner downtown today – a man who has no fear of wealth, owning several companies, the best camera equipment [$30,000 worth], a powerboat and his own private plane to fly to wherever he wants to shoot photographs.

He is quite an extravert, with well-developed marketing skills. Perhaps his parting words [“Don’t be a stranger”] will have meaning for me . . . [yawning] . . .

For those open to changing their minds, open to new ideas, much is available, dear one. Stay tuned. Stay connected. Stay loved. Stay uplifted. Stay transformed. We will never quit teaching, so all you need do is keep learning.

Thank you, partner.

Vaya con Dios, sage of Saturday night. . . . Your Higher Self.

August 28, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Your friend is here, Mr. Neall, with listening ears.

I am aware tonight as I sip my coffee and munch on my chocolate treat, that the main issue for me is self-loathing. That’s what keep me unhappy, keeps me at a low energy level, keeps me in pain and depressed. My dreams over the past ten days are about men with submachine guns ruining a Christmas celebration and me with a powerful rocket launcher shooting several figures, including former U.S. President George W. Bush. They tell me of the great anger that is still in me; anger that traps me in its negativity. How can I best deal with this rage, besides occasional catharsis sessions and gym workouts? What’s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear friend-who-never-lets-me-down?

Dear Mr. Neall: Congratulations again. Instead of criticizing or berating yourself for your ‘imperfection’ you turn to your Higher Self in quiet dialogue in Nature [watching the sun set into the mountains far beyond a huge grassy field]. Again, you are remembering, in dark times, to think about what you are grateful for – your stable, comfortable home; your continued personal mobility; your well-running transportation; your growing level of connectedness and hope in Campbell River; your empowerment through music, playing the public pianos on downtown streets and shopping malls; a new level of forgiveness and empowered connection with your family of origin . . . in other words: closer to your goal of being peaceful and happy. And with your discipline of Higher Self dialogue through journalling (and other modalities), you are more assured than ever of reaching your goal . . . because (as you know) we will never quit being of assistance, day or night, in whatever identity works for you – friend, partner, mentor, mother / father, guide, Buddhist monk, et cetera, with a large repertoire of therapeutic skills that can be brought to bear on situations of pain, confusion or seeming hopelessness and despair . . .

. . . We will never let you down or abandon you, Mr. Neall. And we will dialogue with you as long as it takes for your mental state to change – every time you are in difficulty. That is our promise and our guarantee. No hesitation, no hidden agenda, no dissembling, no ‘ifs, ands or buts’ – just good news, over and over and over again; just doing our job of uplifting humanity, returning it to love and light through the realm of ‘ordinary miracles’ . . . [deep sighing] . . . We cannot fail, Mr. Neall. And this realm that is beyond the reckoning of many is accessible to you. You have persevered with your studies until you created results. Again, congratulations. You found a way to reach ‘the patient ones’ and are receiving your reward . . .

. . . No judgment here, Mr. Neall – just like some of the compassionate Buddhist monks you like to study. Feel that mercy and compassion raining down on you, just like in your beautiful poem “Raining Glory” . . .

Rain spattering

the tin trailer roof overhead

falls on my soul,

taps on my door, says “May I

Drop in on you,

get to know you?

Wet you with transparent wisdom?

Wash something clear?

Before I knocked, I journeyed

that heaven you thirst after

in the eyes of strangers.

Bloom the desert spaces

of your mind

in me.”

. . . filling you up, top to bottom, changing your mind, bringing you peace today . . . expansion . . . a bigger picture; bringing you the changed mind you have been seeking. We are always available, Mr. Neall – always: ‘everywhere, anywhere, any time, all the time’. . . . Blessings, dear one. Vaya con Dios. Your friendly Higher Self.

September 1, 2014 [Labour Day]: Black Creek Diner, Highway 19A, Black Creek, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Glad to be with you, Mr. Neall.

It’s a holiday weekend, so I’m taking a (short) holiday, driving the 22 kilometres from Campbell River south to Miracle Beach Provincial Park for a walk by the ocean and then to Black Creek, a small farming community with one gas station / general store, a seed-and-feed lumber yard and this cafe, which serves the best homemade turkey pot pie anywhere . . .

. . . I seem to be turning a corner in life, dear one, via acupuncture and attending the Vineyard (Christian) church, though it is a bit confusing to be free of pain, as I was Saturday morning, the day after my second ‘needle session’ with Niels, a male healer familiar with the work of recovery . . .

. . . I feel welcome at the church, where I know the male minister slightly and also several other attendees, from my time with the productive Finding Freedom (12-Step) recovery group earlier this year. I’ve been thinking that my solitary wandering pattern of the past five years might have been the acting out of a near-crippling level of self-rejection, self-punishment and self-loathing that is the outcome of toxic parenting and my karmic destiny through the German 17-18th century poet, Friedrich Hoelderlin. In the right kind of church / spiritual environment, this pattern can be healed. I pray that this will be so at the Vineyard, through the positive mentoring of other spiritual-minded males. . . . What’s the most important thing I could know today about my health / healing / recovery, my Beloved?

Dear Mr. Neall: Congratulations on your insights today. Associating with mature, purposeful males who know God’s love is certainly a change for you, one that can support and nourish your dreams while giving you the sense of belonging you’ve been seeking for a long time. Remember that you are not alone in this, that our partnership is always available as part of your lifestyle of constant growth and spiritual seeking.

Partnership seems to be the answer to most of what is bothering me. Let it happen, friend, let it happen – at a pace I can absorb without getting overwhelmed. Let me be nourished by males filled with God’s love, so I can, in that safe environment, learn the language of happiness; relearn the laws of life; release neurosis; become more real; become empowered and useful; become peaceful. . . . Is there anything else I could know today, dear one, dear partner, bringer of light and love?

Dear Mr. Neall: As you know, we never quit being available. Use us in any / every ‘empty moment’. Asking for help is a sign of maturity. Discipline brings rewards. Courage moves you forward. Love and light are what you are becoming. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your effortless Labour Day Higher Self.

September 5, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Right with you, dear one.

I’m experiencing severe back pain and catastrophic thinking, so I left my cool apartment for this warm place today [25 deg. C], along with a cup of ginseng tea from home. Once again, I wrote a letter to my girlfriend in Vancouver and the outcome is a pain response. Help me to see this pattern more clearly. Help me to find my wellness and my balance today, dear partner who always has my best interests in mind. What could I know today that could transform this situation and bring relief?

Dear Mr. Neall: Once again, rather than distract yourself with sports [BC Lions Canadian Football League game on the radio], you turn to your ‘partner in wellness’ . . . [yawning] . . . who is only too glad to dialogue with you on any subject at any time.

I had been thinking of doing a catharsis session, but that didn’t feel right today. I’d rather find a way to experience connectedness and to feel loved and cared for unconditionally. What’s the most important thing to know to restore my balance today, dear friend and therapist? . . . [moved the truck to a shady spot behind a tree] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: As you know from previous ‘stuck moments’: when you don’t know how to proceed, or feel unable to proceed, or are in overwhelm, what’s often at issue is a need to take time to be grateful and to ‘take stock’ of what’s been happening that’s working for you. In this case, it’s quite a lot, you will find . . .

. . . First of all, you’ve had the breakthrough in communications with your family of origin, highlighted by your receiving a standing ovation as a group singing a Beatles song at your nephew’s wedding. It had been thirteen years since you’d spoken to one of your brothers and forty years for another – yet you had meaningful exchanges with all of them and you found a way to do something fun and entertaining together . . . [burping] . . . and proved to yourself (to your soul) that the horrors of your childhood were not going to be repeated any more. You understand that, now that you’ve found your footing in your ‘first consciously chosen hometown’, things can change with them. You have more faith and more confidence, and have developed a lifestyle of your own, separate from them, that (mostly) works, one that ‘fills the bill’ for you: physical / mental / emotional / spiritual / financial / social balance, with an emphasis on creative expression.

Thank you.

We’re here to help, dear one.

There’s more, isn’t there?

Of course. There’s your successful confronting of fear [of needles] to accept acupuncture sessions with someone who is very confident and who knows the hard work of recovery, is also an empath, and is willing to do everything he can to help you, including charging you 60 percent of his regular rate . . . and whose office is located 100 metres from your home [I can see my third-floor balcony and glass sliding doors] . . .

. . . There’s the LIFE program at the rec centres for those on modest income that you’ve been accepted for, that gives you 150 free visits per year to two centres, for bodybuilding, swimming, sauna, hot tub and water slide.

. . . There’s your fair-minded landlord, who unhesitatingly responded in the affirmative to your request for two new stainless-steel strainer baskets for your kitchen sinks.

. . . There’s the beautiful park only two blocks from your home whose irrigated and regularly cut green soccer pitch (during a dry summer) is a perfect location for you to do barefoot walking / jogging / sprinting each morning.

. . . There’s the ‘finding a welcome’ at Vineyard church, which may become your spiritual home in Campbell River: a place where you are known in your real (spiritual) self – a self that loves God – and thus there’s an end to loneliness and isolation – a big issue for you.

Now I see why I’m in overwhelm, dear one. That’s a lot of positivity – and then the positivity of the letter to the girlfriend today, and I’m ‘past my limit’ . . . I’m thinking I’ll go sit on the beach for a few days at Miracle Beach Provincial Park – how great it would be, in this continuing warm weather, to be in a dialogue with Nature there – and it’s always cooler by the ocean. Thank you. I believed in my Higher Power and it came through for me.

We always will, Mr. Neall. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your high-minded, holiday-minded Higher Self.

High Water, Elk Falls 

September 11, 2014: Parking lot near Campbell River Airport

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

With you anywhere, Mr. Neall, without judgment.

Hello, Higher Self: Today I wish to surrender to you my fears of the future, fears that I′ll be stuck in chronic pain forever, and that the peace and happiness I′ve been seeking cannot be realized. This morning during my prayers I caught a glimpse of such a future for just a moment—laughter, lightness, merriment: The Good Life. Then this afternoon I′m back in the pain syndrome again, that was alleviated somewhat by an hour of meditation practice . . .

. . . I′d like to know more about who, or what, is guiding me. I feel lost without a vision of my future, other than the one I had at age 63 when, driving home after a healing session with a Centre for Spiritual Living minister in the Fraser Valley, an inner voice declared: “Peaceful and happy at 72.” It′s just hard slogging right now.

Dear Mr. Neall: . . . [yawning] . . . The spiritual path can seem daunting at times, especially for those who are trauma survivors. Congratulations on having made it this far, through all your studies, including psychology and spirituality, not to mention your surrender, your courage, your discipline and your willingness to experiment. Acknowledge yourself, as your counsellor did yesterday, for having kept up an hour-long daily meditation practice for three months, taking more responsibility for the state of your mind and emotions, and thus creating a better life . . . [burping] . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self.

September 17, 2014: Quinsam Crossing parking lot, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

I′ve put so much effort in the past few months into fighting suicidal feelings, dear one, and now at last I have someone to talk to about it (my counsellor), and I have found the courage to speak about how much pain I have been in, and sometimes still am. The strange thing is, once I′m through talking about it, I begin to be able to laugh. What a liberation that is. . . . As I listen to Internet talks on the world-class “Evolution of Medicine Summit” (37 well-known speakers), I feel my passion for healing and helping arising; I feel the life force building in me at last as I study a subject I feel strongly about: “How to get well.” . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: We congratulate you on every victory over negativity and self-destructiveness, large or small. We offer endless support without judgment, and we always will. This is a ′permanent partnership′: You want healing and we′re offering it. Welcome to the invisible world of spirit, a realm of limitless resources—including intelligence, wisdom and compassion—available for the asking . . . [burping; yawning] . . .

I am blessed.

Everyone is, Mr. Neall, who takes time to acknowledge a greater power. It is the key to a larger life and thus happiness.

And again I need to ask: You will always be there for me, no matter what? . . . [yawning] . . .

That′s the deal, Mr. Neall: infinite, eternal and always available as whatever you need, whenever you feel a lack or a state of unbalance.

That′s a Big Picture.

Exactly . . . As big as it gets . . . [yawning] . . . Blessings, Mr. Neall. Your Higher Self: your forever friend.

September 27, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, dear one.

Hello, Higher Self. You′re my Saturday evening entertainment tonight. Better you than a football game I don′t really care about (though as a student of winning, I get some benefit from sports talk of all kinds). . . . I have been making progress this week by way of more acupuncture sessions, as well as having my girlfriend, visiting in Australia, say she has dreamt about me—as I have also in the past few weeks dreamt of her. And I′m hoping for some benefit from a detox supplement called Zeolite; a dream had told me to detox for heavy metals. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear Higher Self?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we are ′on your side′ in everything you do . . . [yawning] . . . That′s what friends do (recall: “friends don′t judge”). We are a friend that will never let you down; a permanent partner in growth, healing, wellness, purpose, happiness, abundance and inner peace. We are ′a force to be reckoned with′ that will never let you down, as your old friend in Vancouver did on your June trip to the Lower Mainland. Wisely, you are letting her go, not arguing or pleading or anything else. You are getting glimpses these days of what our admonition “Don′t look back; there′s nothing back there for you” means. The life you are building requires no part of the personality you have been . . .

. . . Endless support we offer, Mr. Neall—endless support: for growth and change; for a future unlike your past; for more trust in men; for peace of mind; for forgiveness of those who hurt you; for self-forgiveness, self-love and love of others. We are ′the shop that never closes′, so call on us at any time. We guarantee to show up. We guarantee to be helpful, to get you out of ′worry mode′ -- and much worse—day or night. We guarantee to stay until you feel better, until the fear is gone, until balance has been restored, until light replaces darkness, until hope replaces despair, until the sun shines again [I′ve been watching the sun set, and the gilded orb has just dropped below the horizon] . . . We are always with you, Mr. Neall, in a dialogue that can last forever—or until dinner time [I′m thinking of Lee′s Chicken next door].

I accept the guarantee. I accept the need to be constantly growing my faith. I accept the need to stay in a permanent partnership of love and empowerment that develops in me the courage to live from the Big Picture.

Vaya con Dios, Mr. Neall. Peace.

October 19, 2014: Timmy Ho′s, Merecroft Village, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are with you, dear Mr. Neall.

What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear Higher Self? How could I best get clarity on my situation? I seem to be ′growing in leaps and bounds′. I′m calmer—perhaps the result of almost five months of daily one-hour meditation. I′m stronger, from gym workouts every three days. I′m supported by a skilled counsellor. I′m spirited from reviewing the first five years of this writing and rediscovering the wisdom and truth (and effectiveness) of this teaching. I′m purposeful from an important visit with my life coach / minister in which I was also coaching her. I′ve been playful on the water slides at Strathcona Gardens Rec Centre and in a pickup basketball game at the Sportsplex.

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we are with you in everything. We never stop nourishing, healing, supporting, ′holding the light′, uplifting, educating: teaching happiness and humour, love and empowerment, from a limitless source. We are your ′partner in progress′ and seek only to be of assistance in the development of your soul. Your disciplines are reaping rewards, Mr. Neall, as they cannot fail to do. “We cannot fail,” as we have said several times, and now you know more about that as well . . .

. . . ′Courage and compassion′ is the outcome of an awakened heart, Mr. Neall, including compassion for oneself . . . [burping] . . . When self-affinity replaces self-criticism, self-punishment and self-judgment, all aspects of life change. That′s healing—a subject you are getting to know.

I truly am grateful for this companionship, this friendship, this partnership, this teaching that reminds me to ′stay in school′ in order to become happier; to become free from constant fear and worry. I am working mentally on ′raising my internal financial thermostat′ upwards from $1500 / month, where I′ve plateaued for a while, to greater than $2000 / month. That will lower my level of worry and my stress level generally. I understand that it′s not healthy to be short of funds the last week of each month. May this life-style characteristic change, through increasing levels of self-worth and deservingness—and celebration of my new strengths.

Our thoughts exactly, Mr. Neall. ′Change your thinking, change your life′. May it be so. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Sunday Higher Self.

October 20, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

I′m stuck, I′m alone and I′m in pain, dear Higher Self. I could use a friend; I could use some healing. And after looking back at this writing for the past two and a half years, significant health issues began three weeks after a triple-root-canal procedure on a lower molar. Is there some connection? Do I need to find an (expensive) biological or holistic dentist to properly assess and process the situation? I don′t like this level of uncertainty about things; I′ve been through this kind of situation before. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we abandon no one—ever. We (this partnership) has solved many issues and there is no end to it . . . [yawning; burping; yawning] . . . We are a force of love and light, available always to help uplift humanity; . . . [yawning] . . . to help reconnect it to its source. Believe it, Mr. Neall. We have no other agenda; there′s nothing else that we do.

I seem to have lost my faith. I don′t believe anything or anyone can solve a a problem this big, or could help turn this level of tension and pain into something else. It seems impossible to enjoy life—and this after my first pickup basketball game in over 40 years at the rec centre two days ago (great fun) . . . [burping] . . . Plus, I′m over halfway through watching an inspiring 11-part YouTube series on natural / alternative healing of cancer, hosted by Ty Bollinger. . . . What would love say to me today—as I′ve asked before—from this seemingly advanced state of hopelessness? What′s the way out? . . . [burping] . . . [On a grey, rainy day, the sun is suddenly poking its way through the gloom, shining in my driver′s side window.] . . . [yawning] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: Your inner child wants your attention—as you′ve deciphered from your contemplation of this material and your dreams. Why not give him a chance to get through to you? No harm will come to you while playing basketball, or making a joke with your girlfriend in an e-mail, or letting your family of origin experience the joy of your music-making at the wedding . . .

. . . Your counselling sessions are having a big effect on you: unconditional acceptance for every problem you′ve introduced: the ′good mother′ you never had, Mr. Neall—one who listens, who pays attention. It′s changing your reality; healing your past; pulling you forward—away from Vancouver, into something hopeful. Let it happen, dear one. Do you not think we are in that (therapy) office with you? . . . [tears] . . . We wouldn′t miss it, partner: ′Neall emerging′.

A few weeks ago I did dream of a newborn baby—a bit bloody but healthy, and no cord to the mother in sight. I am breaking the old ′mother connection′ -- being reborn. There are hardly any words for this experience in my mind. Perhaps, “May God be praised!” . . . That sounds a bit ′old school′, but will have to do for the moment. I am raw and reborn, and need to be gentle with myself, as befits my condition. ′Self-love in spades′, in other words. And especially not judging myself for what feels like ′fumbling around socially′ in making arrangements for this trip to Vancouver—being ′a travelling man′: a man who gets around. That′s who I truly am, and truly wish to be.

You′re catching on, Mr. Neall. Congratulations. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your ′regular guy′; your parking-lot Higher Self.

Courtyard, Campbell River Library

Saturday, November 1, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Right with you, Mr. Neall, sitting in the sunshine. [On this unusually warm day, perhaps 15 deg. C, I am letting the late-afternoon sun shine on my face as I sit in the van.]

My goals are slowly being achieved, dear one, including a healthy social life in my new home town. I don′t have the benefit of a work environment to develop relationships in, so there is effort and awareness required. This week Jason, a guy who reads a lot of books that I sometimes hang out with, and Jill, my life coach / minister, appeared together in a dream as valuable allies on my journey. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today? . . . [yawning] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we love you and are glad to be witness to your growth. There is no judgment on your life ever, and your lifestyle of constant growth is paying dividends for you. Recall: When you are happy, we are happier. There is no coercion to be other than you are, and unconditional love is available for the asking . . . [yawning] . . . Don′t be afraid to ask. Feel our warmth as you felt the bright sun on your face when you parked here, as light and love—especially during the rainy season in Campbell River. In this environment of safety, of protection, Mr. Neall can grow like a plant; he can assemble the healing forces and patiently reclaim his ′true path′, the Path of the Rose, the path of love and empowerment, the path of the heart, the path of destiny rather than fate, the path of hope, the path of life eternal, the path that cannot fail . . . [yawning] . . .

“Cannot fail” -- that notion is still a bit unfamiliar to me, dear one: a language I am still learning to speak—but a language I am willing to learn to speak. . . . What′s my next step in learning it; my next step in self-acceptance, self-affinity and self-approvement?

Make good choices, Mr. Neall. Today, instead of ′another cup of coffee′, you chose to write (and first to read your own poem “Against Coffee as the Holy Grail,” of which you keep copies in the van). You chose to fill up with something nourishing, something eternal, something life-giving, something that builds you up, something that has never failed to produce results for you in terms of peace and positivity . . . [yawning] . . .

That would make you a mentor, then . . .

We are limitless, Mr. Neall. We are ′whatever you need, whenever you need it′. Today you are missing mentorship in your life—a steady hand, a more experienced lightworker, a parent, a positive elder brother, a teacher. Let it in, dear one, and be malnourished or under-nourished no more. . . . “Filling up at the human being filling station”—just like our ′old days′ at Highways 10 and 99 in Delta eight years ago. We′re still at it, dear one; we never stop. How′s that for a steady hand? . . . [tears; yawning; burping] . . .

It′s what I need today, with all the changes and . . . excitement (dare I say it?) going on.

We will never let you down, Mr. Neall. We′ve said it before and we′ll say it again, as often as necessary. We are the Beloved you have sought, delivering the riches of an abundant Universe—a Universe that never lacks for any (good) thing.

Available at the lifting of my pen . . .

Available through discipline like yours. . . . Vaya con Dios, Mr. Neall. Your friend, your Higher Self. Your Saturday-night-hockey pregame show.

November 9, 2014: Oceanview pullout near Rockland Road, South Island Highway / Highway 19A, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We′ve never left you, Mr. Neall.

Thank you. I′m sitting in the van in warm sunshine, appreciating an ocean view that encompasses the southern tip of tree-covered Quadra Island (with lighthouse), Hernando and Cortes islands in the distance and behind them the Coast Range mountains, mostly cloud-bedecked today. A small coastal freight boat makes its way north into Discovery Passage separating Campbell River from Quadra while tall grasses near me wave in the wind and the occasional dog walker, jogger or bicycling child traverses the ocean-side path in front of me. A tugboat towing a barge loaded high with colourful containers advances slowly south. . . . There is peace in my world today, dear one . . .

. . . The past is more past today than at any time I can recall, my friend—perhaps due to the inner work I′ve done following an accident at the rec centre water slide a week ago. After two turns down the snaking structure, I wanted to go a little faster and decided that running a few steps before jumping in would be a good idea . . . it wasn′t. My feet went out from under me as I hit the wet plastic tube and I flipped backwards—onto my head on concrete—before being sucked down the slope of the great green plastic tube. “Shit!” I yelled as I felt my brain hitting the inside of my skull on impact. That′s a concussion—a minor one, thankfully—and I seem to have all my faculties intact. . . . I don′t believe in what are generally called ′accidents′, dear one -- everything is purposeful—so I sense your hand in this ′life lesson′. Is this a (rather large) nudge or a wake-up call of some kind? Just when I was starting to have fun? . . . Did it put my brains ′back together again′ (as I have heard has happened to others from a bad fall)?

. . . And after a week of cleaning out ′old energies′ from my aura, I am more clearly on the path of living full-time with my Higher Self ( = love, empowerment and happiness) than ever before (and more ready to meet like-minded others). . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear guide and friend?

Dear Mr. Neall: You′ve had quite a week of learning and growing. Wisely, you have chosen to meet with your ′old friend writing′ and your newer friend, your Higher Self, to participate in one of your positive habits: a time-out in the sun by the ocean. As you are truly learning and believing, Mr. Neall, we are with you in everything, and we will never let you down . . .

An eternal partnership, unlimited in scope, interested only in my growth into effective, empowered and happy ′human beingness′ . . .

You′ve got it.

In this kind of game, I can′t help but be a winner.

Right again. We offer nothing else.

My good fortune . . . found through seeking and through discipline . . .

“Right as rain” . . . oops, no rain in sight today.

But a lot lately. . . . What else could I know today, dear one? What else can I glean from my Source? . . . [yawning] . . . What is the love teaching today?

Self-love is the way to learn love, Mr. Neall, for anyone confused about the concept. Time-out = self-love. Time-out for friends = self-love. Your efforts to reconnect to a sense of fun and play these past weeks through inner-child dialogue is self-love. That′s the real work of your life—as you mostly know. Congratulations on having made the transition to a life based on your true needs. We honour you and respect you, dear friend, and we always will. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your no-fail Higher Self.

Campbell River and Elk Falls

November 13, 2014: Oceanview pullout near Rockland Road, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are with you, Mr. Neall, with compassion.

A source of compassion is what I am seeking today, dear one, as I seem to have collapsed into a state of overwhelm and pain once again—a state which my own mind thinks cannot be overcome. Which would mean I′m back in hopelessness and despair. This, despite feeling fine for days, especially after my gym workout / water slide / hot tub session last night. . . .

. . . I want to ′get off the Internet′ for a while, where I′ve been watching an “Auto Immune Health Summit” (38 presenters) for several hours a day, for several days, and spending time with ′Facebook friends′. As my energy builds, I′m stuck for positive activities to turn it to. And here I am, hopefully (but not in reality) free from self-judgment and self-punishment, asking: “What would my Higher Self want me to know today?” and “Can I get off the wheel of shame / blame / self-loathing / self-criticism once more?”

Dear Mr. Neall: Once again, you have reached out. Once again, you have comprehended the hard work of recovery. And once again you have understood that there exists a force for compassion in the Universe willing to communicate about your situation without judgment. And we will never quit doing so—anywhere, anyhow, any time. Acknowledge yourself for believing in something greater than your current state of mind as you move further in the direction of connection with family of origin and closer to a career as a healer, from your ′solid base′ of a stable, comfortable and spacious home.

Could I have somehow prevented this episode of self-attack? I didn′t see it coming; couldn′t ′read the signs′ . . . [burping] . . . I would rather live with more flow, as it were: more grace; more communication. It feels, by the way, that I am ′entering new territory′, after recovering effortlessly from the fall and concussion at the Campbell River rec centre eleven days ago. Words like flow, grace and communication seem more natural in my vocabulary now. I like this part of me very much—also the part that takes time to be in dialogue with my inner child: my teacher of happiness within me. How can I further nurture this growth—even while appreciating my need for a time-out? . . . [Got too cold sitting in the van so I drove home.] . . .

November 16, 2014: A & W Restaurant, Merecroft Village, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are with you, Mr. Neall.

Dear Higher Self: What does God want me to know today? What′s the most important thing to understand about my health / healing / recovery today? I′m struggling with aloneness and the ongoing health issues with back and digestion, though there is learning through listening online to experts in auto-immune disorder on a nine day ′summit′. I′m getting more and more informed on how one′s health goes awry: digestive problems lead to ′leaky gut syndrome′, which allows food particles to get into the immune system, which thinks they are invaders and is triggered into a constant state of ′attack mode′, creating inflammation and then many types of illness. Inflammation is one of the issues I am dealing with. At least I have a ′working hypothesis′ now. What next, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Once again, we stress that there is no judgment on you today or any other day, and we will do everything possible to assist your development into a happy and peaceful, mature life. Yesterday you had another session at the water slide, where you enjoy the sense of surrender and then the sliding at speed into the pool at the bottom. Also yesterday you helped elect a man that you (and quite a few others) like better than the current mayor of your city [my candidate won by 121 votes] . . .

. . . This is the year you made big inroads into loving your relatives and, based on your conversations with your ′significant other′ in Vancouver two days ago, you are well-connected in that department. You solved big automotive problems a week ago with your trusted and communicative mechanic, and now with your new battery are enjoying the multiple benefits of a renewed electrical system . . .

. . . This week you will be seeing your helpful and supportive counsellor, and possibly your life coach as well, who sees you very clearly, and thinks only good of you. Your coffee habit is close to being managed and today, as you set out on your sunny-day walk, you saw clearly that your problems are all about not living in present time—they are from the past. Which means that as you let go of the past, you will become both happier and healthier . . .

. . . Early today you got a healing reading about [tennis star] Roger Federer [my ′winning coach′], and two days ago another beautiful healing as you relaxed to the soundtrack to the film Sound of Music on your home stereo system. You′ve added an hour of meditation to your daily disciplines of walking and prayer for the sixth month now. . . . Mr. Neall, you are making progress, and we congratulate you on once again picking up your pen in order to see a bigger picture, in order to believe in the power within you, in order to build your faith . . .

. . . We will never stop congratulating you for every step forward, large or small, out of suffering, for as we have said before—and will repeat as often as is helpful: When you are happy, we are happier. Your recent spiritual studies [“Matthew′s Messages” at www.matthewbooks.com/matthews-messages] have confirmed for you that this is how things work. We will never leave you, dear one—that′s ′the last word′. . . . Your Higher Self, helpful forever.

Kelsey Bay Harbour, 50 km N. of C.R.

November 23, 2014: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are available to communicate and to help, Mr. Neall.

I′ve gone into self-attack and can′t think of anything good about myself, dear friend. I wrote an e-mail letter to a potential new like-minded acquaintance in Campbell River, didn′t get a response, and then I′ve ′lowered the boom′ on myself. Not only that, I feel my reclusiveness as deep pain at the moment. This is a dark place, dear friend, of joylessness. Joy is something I spoke of with my counsellor this week. At least, I read to her a piece of my writing in which experienced great joy—when I was in Germany in 1991: joy over experiencing the presence of a Higher Power when I was in the Bonn railway station one day. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my path, my progress, my healing journey today? I can′t imagine a worse a state of self-judgment, self-criticism and self-punishment than this one. What′s the way out?

Dear Mr. Neall: First of all, become clear that there is no judgment on you—never has been, never will be. You′ve had a very stimulating and expanding week. Your companion gave you a list of her connections among the Oriental community in Vancouver—people who had been positively affected by your music and your photographic artwork. You received notice of a $1000 bequest from an aunt who died recently, and then a friendly e-mail from the executor, who is married to a cousin you haven′t seen in fifty years . . . [tears] . . . You discovered that your aunt, whom you also haven′t spoken with in decades, and who had no children of her own, considered all [56] of her nieces and nephews to be her children—thus the gift in her will. Your cousin-in-law said she had “raised the bar” on generosity for the (large) Regier family [of Saskatchewan] . . .

. . . Further during the past week, you read a new healing story of yours to your counsellor, exposing your vulnerability and owning your path as a writer about mystical subjects and about the Nature of God. Telling your story of surviving religious abuse, Mr. Neall, is the path out of insanity, and that is what you are doing—day by day, week by week. We honour you, Mr. Neall . . . [tears] . . . We honour your perseverance, your willingness to pick up your pen once again.

Thank you for your ′positive attention′ to my current situation of complete overwhelm. Being a spiritual sensitive who wants to grow (up)—in his sixties—can make for some tough sledding.

Indeed. But even further during the past week, you spoke with your Vancouver acquaintance who channels Jesus / Sananda and during a telephone channelling session received positive feedback on your health; plus, he decided not to charge you for the session, and then offered you a place to stay next time you′re in Vancouver. . . . Quite a week, Mr. Neall, and now, given that you are experiencing a deep cold, you feel especially vulnerable. But outside, you have bright November sunshine that will last for another three hours . . .

. . . Love yourself today, Mr. Neall—that′s all you need to do. Think of your partner at the end of your pen here—always available to uplift, to help, to teach, to mentor, to guide, to listen, with no hint of judgment or criticism or aggression or imbalance.

The perfect partner . . . the perfect father . . .

If you insist—

For me, anyway.

And we never quit, Mr. Neall—"always available, rain or shine". . . .Vaya con Dios, dear one. Your Sunday-best Higher Self.

December 2, 2014: Home, Dogwood Street South, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are here, Mr. Neall.

Dear Higher Self: I am at my wits′ end. I have no answers, no internal information on how to guide myself into a happier, more connected life here in Campbell River. My ′progress′ seems at a dead stop. My misanthropic tendencies are ′ruling the roost′ and there seems no way to find the path back to ′love and light′. This is a problem too big for me to solve—so I turn to my Higher Self, who has always had solutions in the past, and whom I trust today to have solutions once again. I feel as if I am ′losing the thread of life′, dear one. This is despair and hopelessness again, the likes of which I haven′t seen in a while. What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today? What do I need to know? How can I get back into partnership with you?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we are with you; that there are other points of view than yours of the moment.

I welcome them. I almost need a new philosophy of life; certainly a new attitude—though I don′t want to ′lower the boom′ on myself; I′m already doing that too much. What′s happening? Can you trace my ′faulty steps′? . . . I′ve just experienced an extremely judgmental state about Campbell River being essentially a ′one-horse town′ lacking in the things and people I want, that I had in the ′big city′ of Vancouver. Nothing is quite ′up to snuff′ here (an expression my father would use), so I think I can only depend on myself—and then I end up isolated. What a conundrum, dear one.

Dear Mr. Neall: We are doing our best to reach you and to help bring you some peace of mind—the state of mind exemplified by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh in the YouTube videos you′ve been watching this week . . . [yawning] . . . He is calm, and talks from a place of calm power, you notice. Ajahn Brahm also speaks, totally extemporaneously, from a big, calm place. Good ideas just seem to flow through his mind, one after the other—

—while I often have judgment, self-punishment and chaos, despite an hour each of prayer and meditation daily. It seems like nothing is working here in Campbell River—at least in my own mind. Perhaps my recent reading of the uplifting autobiography Diary of a Psychic: Shattering the Myths [by Sonia Choquette: “The sixth sense is our natural God-given inner compass—without it, we’ll lose our way”] has woken me up to my true state of non-connection here (so far). How do I begin to change that; acknowledge myself for the growth I have achieved?

Indeed, Mr. Neall: Self-criticism and self-judgment surely interfere with happiness.

Dear friend: May I turn them over to you? Ask you to direct my life? I′m not doing such a great job. I just keep getting ′off course′; creating unhappiness. I want and need to trust in this partnership today—to know that it′s actually working. How could I feel good today? Stop the self-criticism; feel more peace and less pain? . . . [burping; yawning; burping; yawning] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: You′ve reached out for help and we are responding, even though in your mind you were in a state of self-attack and feeling unworthy and undeserving of either friendship or help. Do you see how such beliefs, such ′vibrations′, keep people out of your life?

It seems to be ′all I know′ sometimes, dear one—thus the feelings of hopelessness. How can I find a lighter part of my mind?

You′re doing it right now, Mr. Neall: diluting the darkness by communicating with a source of light and friendship ( = love). Congratulations on not giving up. We are like a fresh spring diluting muddy water: Slowly the colour changes to a lighter hue until only clarity prevails.

I′m all for that. Can our partnership be restored? Or has it been irreparably damaged? Can my health be restored? . . . [yawning] . . .

Partnerships go through ups and downs, Mr. Neall. We′ve been through a disconnection that is now being restored. Your power was lost. [I dreamt last night of an electric lawnmower whose cord had been cut.] We′re ′back on′, dear one.

What am I to make of such an incident? How can I prevent its happening in the future—total loss of power? How can I keep the circuits in good condition?

This is the way, Mr. Neall. Your Higher Self dialogue does that—always has and always will.

So, no damage done? I′ve gotten back in touch with eternity, as I′ve done so many times before?

Keep looking forward, Mr. Neall—nothing back there that you want.

Thank you.

You′re welcome. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Tuesday-morning Higher Self.

December 6, 2014: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Right with you, Mr. Neall—where we′ve always been.

Thank you. I′m a bit disoriented after my powerful healing day yesterday—a deep session with distance healer Dr. Adam Fulmore of Guelph, Ontario, whom I used when I lived in Courtenay and Gold River. With his guides, he can scan all the systems of the body: brain, nervous system, endocrine system, lymphatic system, et cetera and do repairs as needed. I needed a lot of repairs yesterday, especially on the nerves in my spine. Many health symptoms have been alleviated and I have more energy and feel more balanced today. He is a treasure . . .

. . . Then, listening to a recent Kryon audiotape last night, Kryon mentions the various symptoms that spiritual seekers are experiencing currently and – surprise to me – my symptoms of balance problems and inability to walk a straight line were among those mentioned! I feel as if I have been ′noticed by God′. My heretofore unexplainable health symptoms of the past three years appear to have a spiritual cause. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? How can I move out of isolation and into happiness and peace today?

Dear Mr. Neall: We acknowledge every step forward, every moment of healing, every bit of new wisdom, every claiming of Higher Truth. We are your ′steady and positive friend′, who disappoints never. The more you know about who you are as a lightworker and spiritual being, the more the rest of your life can ′fall into place′. We will never let you down as guide and teacher, so that part of it is taken care of. It is a job we love to do. We are patient and we know how to create results—which is good for you.

Indeed it is, and for that I am grateful—never-endingly. Is there anything else I could know today that would enhance my well-being? . . . [nap break] . . .

Never quit, Mr. Neall. Never quit seeking to heal yourself, to move forward in life, to become healthier and happier and moving in a positive direction. We′ll be right there with you. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your friend forever, your Higher Self.

 

December 18, 2014: Home, Dogwood Street South, Campbell River, BC [5:00 a.m.]

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are with you, Mr. Neall.

Dear friend: I′ve lost touch with you and am suffering in mind and body. I want to develop my trust again and a semblance of good-humouredness. I want to know that my Higher Self connection still exists, as experience tells me this relationship puts an end to suffering. At this quiet hour of the morning, let me communicate with my friend / teacher / guide / mentor in a meaningful way, to bring light to my mind and hope to my heart. Dear God: Tell me what I need to know today . . . [yawning; burping; yawning] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: Once again, congratulations on reaching out yet again to ′a power greater than yourself′; on believing that there exists a part of your mind that is problem-free, that knows a source of wisdom and nurturing, of ′positive parenting′, of unconditional love (for all of Creation). Making time to connect with us pays dividends—as you have proven to yourself many times already. Please believe that this power is always available to you ′at the drop of a pen′ . . .

. . . ′Freedom from fear and worry′, as you are seeing today, is a valuable quality to be able to cultivate. And we help with that, gladly and effortlessly, in this ′partnership of growth′, this ′partnership of self-esteem′. You too, Mr. Neall, can learn to love yourself—as you have been doing each morning for the past few weeks by reviewing your childhood and youthful experiences, positive and negative, and placing them ′in the light′: turning them over to God, thereby developing a more mature experience of life as you heal your past. Congratulations. Your work is noticed. (After all, we are in a permanent partnership to build a happier future—a future unlike your past.) Again, it is effortless for us, and freely given . . .

. . . Please accept this gift (in this season of gift-giving), as the outpouring of a Father in Heaven, who exists for nothing else; in whose presence you are forgiven your mistakes and are more aware of the Big Picture—a picture that includes health and happiness. Though you didn′t experience love growing up, you can experience it now, and we offer you all you can stand—endlessly, eternally, from ′a generous heart′.

Thank you, dear one. The tension in my gut has magnified these past couple of days, after many days of growth and positive experiences. How can I best grow into greater self-acceptance and wellness today? How can I turn even this intense level of discomfort over to you, for change ( = healing)? How could I love myself more at this moment?

The healing powers of the Universe are limitless, Mr. Neall. As you dialogue with limitless power, you become larger than any problem state. We welcome this dialogue and reaffirm that it can go on as long as it needs to. We never grow tired, and we have patience beyond the understanding of many. We are endlessly encouraging and we say again today, as we have said often in the past, “Don′t quit; persevere. Reach again and again for your positive goal of a peaceful and happy life. Support will show up—as you are noticing. You don′t have to do this alone.”

That′s the big issue: thinking I have to do it alone.

That′s called growth, dear one—seeing that and moving beyond it. That′s what you′ve done. And when you get your basketball game going, perhaps this weekend, you will have moved to a new level of engagement (in decades). Don′t forget: There is no judgment on your life, so please enjoy yourself—often. We are not far away—that′s the truth. And love can build a bridge—between your heart and ours. Never stop building it, Mr. Neall—through your disciplines; through your discipleship . . . [burping] . . . through your honesty and authenticity and courage. Through your love and integrity . . .

. . . We notice these things, dear one. We will never fail you. And, though your family of origin—though the whole world—fails you, we will never fail you. We will not fail you in health, in relationships, in career path, in prosperity, in peace of mind or anything else. We cannot; it is not who we are. When you truly get that, Mr. Neall, your growth will accelerate and bring you closer to your goal. And when you are happy, we are happier—said before , but worth repeating . . . [yawning] . . .

Thank you, Higher Self, my wise teacher. I return to my bed. [7:00 a.m.]

'Serious Air': Storm at Comox Bay

December 30, 2014: Black Creek Diner, Highway 19A, Black Creek, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, beloved friend.

I feel sick, downhearted, downcast, disturbed in my emotions and digestion, dear one. I wish to feel better. Despite having the flu for the past four days, I′ve been in good spirits, though sleeping a lot and eating little—though ′fun′ is not the word I would put to it. The coughing-and-nose-blowing symphony loses its music after a few days . . .

. . . In the middle of this, two nights ago I had a marvellous dream. In it, I am gazing, awestruck, at a magnificent display of bright white stars that are whirling clockwise around a centre. I′m trying to figure out ′which way is down′. I realize I′m far up in the heavens, skydiving with several others—at night, apparently. I get my feet oriented properly and begin drifting downwards, through occasional wispy clouds. The air is a comfortable temperature and we have no special clothing. I don′t know if I am supposed to pull the parachute′s ripcord at some point or if it will open automatically. There is a peaceful feeling, no fear at all. (I have long had a fear of heights; skydiving has not seemed possible.) Occasionally I hear the pleasant female voice of another jumper. There is motion below and the suggestion that it was a passing airliner, but thoughts of danger quickly fade. As we approach the earth, there is no resolution of the ripcord issue, but apparently it is not a problem. As we are about to plunge safely into what may be False Creek (a bay in Vancouver, Canada), I see several powerful small craft launch and head to where we′ve entered the water, as if they were on a mission to pick up returning astronauts . . .

. . . This is going to take some time digesting, dear one. Is this perhaps the response to an informal, five-hour healing session I conducted on Friday evening? It took that long to get through all the mental baggage that prevented my acquaintance from arriving in present time. But it was the first time that I have spent five consecutive hours in ′a healing state of mind′—in sync with my Higher Self and acutely attuned to the nuances of someone′s every word: the tone of voice, the belief systems revealed in the phrasings, the emotional age being revealed and the overall happiness level.

Then I got the flu. (Another dream I had a couple of days ago told me to ′take six weeks off′ after this long, Boxing Day dinner visit.) And today I turn to my Higher Self for companionship, nurture, peace of mind, strength, re-empowerment, renewal, light, guidance.

 

Dear Mr. Neall: All of that and more do we gladly provide, and we always will, any hour of the day or night. We acknowledge you for every step forward in your understanding of what God is and how this spiritual force works for the upliftment of mankind and for your progress in becoming an agent of that force—a force that will never cease.

 

That is the Good News, friend.

And good for you to know that, as well as to acknowledge our friendship. This relationship is the end of your seeking and the opening to new vistas—as your dream presented. . . . Stay with it, Mr. Neall. Never quit—we never will. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your ′diner diva′, your Higher Self.

January 3, 2015: White Spot Restaurant, North Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

I wish to feel lighter, warmer and less mood-driven, dear Higher Self. And now, according to my dream, I′m supposed to take five more weeks off, following the intense five-hour healing session on Boxing Day. Yesterday morning I awoke from a dream in which I had been attending some kind of healing conference. A mature woman sought me out during a break; she looked into my eyes until I realized how much she could see. We joined hands and I felt myself receiving energy from her, “filling up with light”—every nook and cranny of my being receiving ultimate nourishment until I was full, which took about ten seconds: just like filling up a car′s gas tank only faster. What a beautiful moment that was, dear one . . . [tired; drove home] . . .

January 5, 2015: Oceanview pullout on Island Highway near Rockland Road, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are never far away, Mr. Neall.

Dear Higher Self: I am angry and in pain and isolated and, even worse—after immersing myself in the Urantia Book′s 500-page “Life and Teachings of Jesus” for several weeks—confused about what God is, and is not . . . again. Dear God: Tell me what I need to know today. Tell me how to let things be simple again—simple as in “There′s no judgment on your life; God loves you just the way you are; God is love and light.” Take me back to our ′good old days′, dear one.

Dear Mr. Neall: “We are with you and we love you.” . . . Simple enough? . . . That means that no one is judging you, and especially that no one is punishing you. Your successes of the past few weeks have put you back into ′self-punishment mode′—a place from which you can see good neither in yourself nor anyone else. It is a place without nourishment or light or warmth. We are sorry you are going through this and will do our best to help change the situation. It′s ′all we do′, as you are recalling in this moment. Like the paramedics′ ambulance, we are fully equipped for any situation and skilled with our tools.

Thank you. I am glad you are at hand. I wish to ′grow out of′ these attacks—through therapy, spiritual development, regular exercise, high-powered nutrition and finding new purpose.

Dear one, we applaud your efforts. Please know that our help is endless, effective, painless and uplifting. As we have said before—and as you have experienced many times—“with us you cannot fail.”

At the moment, I′m failing at being able to stop beating myself up. I want to put an end to this cycle . . . [burping; yawning] . . . I see I′d have to admit to needing partnership in my life for this to happen. I′m back isolating again, after my high-minded dreams and spiritual experiences over Christmas. This is a difficult pattern to break. It′s going to take the best kind of help—someone with a lot of patience and compassion and ′time on their hands′—an expert at soul-rescue work, at healing.

Dear Mr. Neall: . . . [burping] . . . [an eagle lands on a large rock in the great grey expanse of ocean before me, 50 metres away] . . . Again we state: There is no judgment on your situation. To us you are simply ′a soul in need′—a soul in need of nurturing. Help with healing from blame, shame, guilt and other kinds of self-attack is involved. We can help restore your ′rightful status′ as ′an empowered soul being living in a body on planet Earth in the twenty-first century.

 

′Full of forgiveness for the men of my past—my father, uncles, paternal grandfather? . . . [yawning] . . . What is needed here is hope in this regard. I′ve been praying on this for a while—even for healing of the ancestral property from the early days of the twentieth century near Dnipropetrovsk, Ukraine . . . [burping] . . . Something has to change here, dear friend and companionero, as there is little light where I am today . . . [yawning] . . . I′m close to giving up. To my mind, this situation seems even ′too big for God to handle′. Where is love and light? A hint of flame, even? One new idea? A healing thought?

Dear Mr. Neall: We will not abandon you in this situation. That was in your past and is what keeps you unhappy. We are not ′an abandoning father′. Not. Not. Not. We are bigger than any problem you can face: ′bigger than all the mountains of Lillooet′—of the Earth, even. We are The Big Picture. That means: bigger than any conundrum your mind / body can manufacture on a wintry grey Monday afternoon.

That′s the kind of partner I want.

That′s the kind of partner you′ve got, dear Neallerino . . . [tears; yawning] . . . dear friend. We are not judging you—never would we cause a friend pain by doing so. We are endless support, custom-built for . . . [tears; yawning] . . . every situation: whatever will create more ease and happiness; less pain and despair.

We′ve made a bit of progress here; still a ways to go. What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery at this moment, dear one? . . . [burping] . . . Can I recover? Can I become happy and peaceful?

We cannot quit teaching, Mr. Neall, so if you are someone who ′cannot quit learning′, that′s a partnership with potential. And that potential includes sunny days ahead, through an end to self-attack (a.k.a. attacks of self-punishment or self-loathing).

That is my wish, my desire, O great friend.

Let it be so, our beloved . . . always, always, always. Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self.

 

January 7, 2015: Timmy Ho′s Willow Point, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

I long for the ′good old days′ at the ′Tim Hortons School of the Enjoyment of Life′. I′ve been through dark moments today, dear friend.

Dear Mr. Neall: We will do everything in our power to help. As you know, we have endless patience and limitless experience to bring to any situation—even one as tough as yours. Your experience with us tells you we can always get you through—′through to the new′; through to the spiritual reality, to the Big Picture, to peace of mind, to hope, to rekindled faith, to ′sunshine mind′.

How can I best stop ′living in the dark′—clear out the old negative beliefs, these ′voices of self-attack′ mentioned in the previous writing, that plagued me again today: “You′re worthless”; “You should jump off a building”; “You should end your life.” Ugly stuff. I sat through it, and wept through it, as I was meditating at the time. I ended with affirmative declarations about who I really am, and took some herbs and supplements for my brain. . . . Dear one, teach me how to grow—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially—out of such situations and into a more effective life, a life of more joy, more connectedness, clearer purpose and healthier mind and body.

Dear Mr. Neall: . . . [yawning] . . . We will never fail to make ourselves available to you, day or night. We are part of you—a part in partnership for a good life, a balanced life, a joyful life. When you feel yourself abandoned and broken, we are still there—just like in the quote you copied from the book you′ve been reading [High Mysticism by Emma Curtis Hopkins, one of the founding teachers of Science of Mind]:

Looking upward to a sun it cannot see, the oak tree rises into a higher country all sunshine, wind, and rain to nurture its awakening greatness of body, limb and leaf. . . . Let us not look back to Chaldea, Egypt or India for the great secret of miracle-working life. Let us look at the Upper Country close at hand.

This discipline [of automatic writing] helps bring back that spirit, that light, to occupying a more prominent place in your personality—a.k.a. ′hope′. Congratulations on reaching for your book and pen once more; on not accepting defeat; on taking helpful herbs (rhodiola)—and for asking for an appointment with your life coach (via e-mail). Self-care is an art form in itself—one you are learning, dear brother . . .

. . . Don′t stop educating yourself. Don′t stop reaching for love and light. The door is always open to this new world for those like you who want to overcome their past . . . [burping] . . . always. There is always ′somewhere to go′ that replaces that darkness you experienced earlier today. Our job is to get you there and we will never, ever not be available to do it. That is how spirit operates, and it always will. . . .Vaya con Dios, friend. Your Higher Self.

January 15, 2015: A & W Restaurant, Merecroft Village, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self, my source of love and light.

We are with you, dear Mr. Neall.

I′m looking to recharge my batteries, dear one, after a couple of eventful conversations yesterday and today (one included a poetry reading). And last night I dreamed of a racing car with a very good motor in it—perhaps that is the writer within me, who will submit poetry for a new writing competition soon. . . . Life is moving me forward at an accelerating pace, dear one. I wish to stay balanced. What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today?

Dear Mr. Neall: We are glad to be with you again. As your own Higher Power, we are glad to provide assistance, insight and healing wisdom whenever asked; to support your conscious life goals in your new home town. As you help your friends to grow, so you are being helped, as a caring father helps a child. Music, poetry, art—all can open up for you now as you take up a more peaceful and positive, productive lifestyle. We are with you for all of it. We wouldn′t want to miss it, to miss participating in the greater happiness of Mr. Neall′s self-expressive style of life.

That is what I want, dear one: companionship for the creative life—for all of life: ′forever friendship′: someone I can call on at any time of night or day for an uplifting conversation. I know that is part of our understanding, because that is what we have been successfully doing now going on ten years. I am grateful for our connection, for the teaching about a constant source that cannot fail, a source of light and never-ending hope that eases worry, fear and confusion whenever called upon to do so; that brings clarity and a return to spirit, to the Big Picture, to recharged batteries. May this relationship continue forever.

Dear Mr. Neall: There is no doubt about that. What is required is the discipline to sit down with pen in hand—that is all. And you manage to do that quite regularly. . . . Never quit seeking, learning, growing in strength and happiness and effectiveness. There is no limit to what you can become. . . . Blessings always on your journey. Your friend, your Higher Self.

January 27, 2015: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are glad to be with you, Mr. Neall. Recall, we are an agent of unconditional love and there is no limit to our compassion and caring and availability. Please take all the time you need for this dialogue today. ′The light never goes out here′—and it never will. We respond to all sincere calls for help, and will do our best to help you today, through whatever you are experiencing.

I′m missing ′the old days′ again, when we dialogued at the Tim Hortons at Highways 10 and 99 in Delta or the one in South Richmond′s Ironwood Mall. Things have become complicated and it′s not going well at the moment, and I don′t know how to fix things; to return to the peace and happiness I so long for . . .

. . . I feel that my path is not with the local spiritual centre, the Science of Mind group, but to develop my own style of teaching—although there have been moments recently when I thought this Science of Mind philosophy [“Change your thinking, change your life”] would carry me to a steadier state of ′love and happiness′ that I sometimes get glimpses of in my mind. Dear one, what is the path? What is the way to heal myself and then help others to heal themselves? And what can I do to feel better today? . . .

. . . Last night I dreamed of riding in a car with a high-school pal with my mother in the back seat. I say to him, ominously, as if I am about to die: “She has come for me.” [She passed in 2003.] My friend, who is driving, says something to the effect, “I wouldn′t want her coming for me.” . . . How can I get back into life, dear one? I′ve been researching wellness for decades now.

Dear Mr. Neall: Please remember that we are always with you—that we cannot be separated. No matter how small or far away we seem, there is still connection; it cannot be lost. We will attempt to bring back the warmth of life to your soul, bring back the red / orange / yellow / pink energy that brings you happiness.

I would appreciate that. Please guide me back to love and light and peace of mind. I truly feel ′off course′. I thought I was ′on course′, but that appears to not be so today.

Love and light is the course, Mr. Neall, so recognizing where you are is a first step. Putting in a call to your minister / life coach for an appointment, as you just did, is a second. Please know that we will never let you down in your time of need, as others have done in the past; we will never abandon you, ever. We do not know how to do that . . . [yawning; tears] . . . We are eternal and personal and helpful. ′Helping to uplift humanity′ is our motto—and much more: our very existence . . . [yawning] . . . We are lightworkers, bringing light to the problems of humans—anywhere, any time, as long as it takes, without fail. We cannot fail, Mr. Neall, and we are part of you.

How could I expand this part of me that is you? That seems to be the task at hand. Despite my prayer work and daily meditations and walks, my gym workouts, even my recent extended healing session for my new acquaintance, I feel lost. There must be an end to this kind of suffering.

Dear Mr. Neall: . . . [yawning; tears; burping] . . . You′ve lost both your trust and your faith, which are aspects of knowing us (as in Totally Relying Upon Spirit′s Timing and Following An Ideal That Heals). We will be here as long as it takes for you to relearn these essential aspects of wellness and happiness, bringing hope to your situation in whatever amount required.

A deeply honest conversation is necessary in order for change, or healing, to occur.

Yes, it is.

Then let it begin, dear friend (and continue for eternity) . . . [tears; yawning] . . . and let me feel better soon . . . [burping] . . . I truly have lost my faith, in terms of even being able to carry on this type of dialogue. What happened? Is this somehow connected to the ′correction letter′ that I have recently written (but not yet sent) to the PhD psychology prof at the local college, whose second-year course in abnormal psychology I dropped out of last year? Standing up to him at last is a pretty big deal. I honed the letter till I got it right . . .

. . . Then there was the incident with my girlfriend three weeks ago where, after she did something not very wise, I raised my voice and almost began shouting at her, “Have you no sense?” when suddenly I realized that is exactly what my father used to yell at me, and stopped myself. But ′the father′ is out of the bag now . . .

. . . The four-hour healing session on my new, high-energy, spiritual-minded acquaintance over a Christmas dinner on Boxing Day was a lot of work, but very satisfying. I realized the next day that years of mistreatment by men (father and ex-husband) had moved out of her soul during that session, and that I had basically saved her a year of therapy. The day before our session, I had had a dream that simply stated, “After Christmas dinner, take six weeks off.” . . . I′m four weeks into that period and it seems to be a necessary time of contemplation over what is now possible, given this expansion in the use of my healing skills. And now I′ve had this ′brush with death′ dream. . . . Still, I′m doing my best to take time off.

Dear Mr. Neall: Thank you for articulating your recent successes and challenges. Please know that we are with you for all of it—it is no effort for us, and we like our ′job′ . . . [yawning] . . . of uplifting humanity, of restoring health and happiness, of bringing warmth back into someone′s life—just as you did on Boxing Day, when after four hours of paying close attention to someone′s issues, the colour (and life force) surged back into her face and her mind (as you noticed). She will never have those troubles again (and she was grateful).

I′m getting the picture: This is how you ′work′ with me—you reconnect me with my Higher Power and you are my mentor in healing.

Indeed, Mr. Neall. That′s the picture; that′s the upliftment; that′s the (re)awakened heart; that′s the hope; that′s the ′new thought′; that′s the ′colour to the face′, the revitalization, the warmth you seek today.

What now, dear one, dear patient friend? Something in me needs to change; the ′path′ I was on isn′t working any more. I′m not ′growing in wellness′.

Dear Mr. Neall: Love and light is the path, and that is what we teach, and what this partnership is about. Love is a state without fear, so the longer you can stay in communication with us—and with anyone who loves you—like your minister / life coach and your new acquaintance—the healthier you will be. Our love never ends, Mr. Neall—tune in any time: “Open all night.”

February 9, 2015: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

I′m losing touch with this dialogue, dear one—but made up for perhaps by increased affirmative prayer time, now one to two hours each morning. During this time I also place my childhood and youth into the light of God—all people, places, relationships, family connections / disconnections, events, from earliest memory to leaving home. I′ve also maintained—now into the ninth month—my hour of meditation each evening. It includes a walking meditation—three laps of my apartment—at the 20- and 40-minute marks . . . [nap: one hour] . . . [walk and roast chicken snack: Lee′s Famous Chicken: guilty pleasure] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: There is no judgment on your life. Period.

That is awesome . . . and hard to let in today. But it means I can be happy now.

You′ve got it, Pontiac. Nothing in the way now.

We are quite a team . . . and this can never end?

Right again, Mr. Neall. Your ′spiritual guidance system′ (including the Matthew Messages and the Kryon material and your Campbell River minister / life coach) is working fine.

I′d like to bask in this unconditional love a long time—get some more practice living life feeling energized and happy rather than miserable.

We′ll do everything in our power to make that happen, dear one. It is our full-time job doing that very thing—it′s called ′uplifting humanity′.

How soon I forget! . . . [burping] . . . Yet I ′took the time′ today, on this statutory holiday (called Family Day in British Columbia) to do just that. I made an effort to feel better; invoked discipline; used one of the tools in my psychological / spiritual toolkit; manifested self-care. May I always remember to do this, dear one—always . . . to live in an environment of self-care, morning, noon and night. No more self-criticism, self-punishment, self-judgment and their crazy consequences: self-alienation and misery.

′Suffering is optional′--and transformative.

Healing, healing, healing. I call forth my healing guides to be with me—as I dreamed the other night, set in a two-row pattern like this:

Jesus,      Buddha,      Sananda,   Socrates

Hilarion, St. Germain, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene

Please accept our healing whenever you can, dear Mr. Neall—it is freely given.

I don′t want to end this session . . . [yawning] . . . or this relationship.

It doesn′t end, Mr. Neall: That is ′the way of things′ . . . that is the Truth.

The Healing Truth: ′Following An Ideal That Heals′—or FAITH.

Exactly . . . so call any time. Recall: “Open all night.” . . . Dearly beloved: Remember us; we remember you—and we always will. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your Higher Self.

'Triple Duet': 7-Eleven at Night  (c) 2016 N.C.

February 12, 2015: Timmy Ho′s Willow Point, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall. Glad to be doing our ′job′.

Am I understanding that job better these days? Today in meditation I experienced the presence of one of my (online) Buddhist teachers, Ajahn Brahm of Perth, Western Australia, who, during my intense suffering / stress condition, came to my mind and reminded me that everyone makes mistakes—including him—and that these ′mistakes′ are only a small part of who I am. He also reminded me that he was there to help me—anywhere, anyhow, any time—just as you are. He may even be , and most likely is, a part of God. That′s what it felt like today . . .

. . . Exiting my home office an hour ago, I bumped the cowrie-shell necklace I received in Hawaii years ago that hangs near the door. It makes an unusual rattling sound—perhaps a sign that it′s time for a holiday? Surely I have done enough recovery work lately to deserve a break; enough transformative exercises, self-forgiveness disciplines and reframing of past experiences, including an upbeat Christmas message to all four family-of-origin brothers′ families . . .

. . . I′d like to use you as my ′holiday coach′ tonight, dear one. I ask for your help in getting myself somewhere near a condition of smiling and / or laughter—a complete release of stress.

Dear Mr. Neall: This is one of our specialties. . . . Recall that you read a couple of good ′cannibal jokes′ today that tugged at your funny bone. [What did one cannibal say to the other as they were eating the comedian? “Something tastes funny.” . . . What did the cannibal′s wife give her husband when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.] And you discovered something important about comedians [watching an episode of Jerry Seinfeld′s Comedians in Cars getting Coffee]: that comedians are a breed apart and they prefer the company of other comedians—people who think like they do. Seinfeld [one of the most successful comedians in the world] said he had been that way since elementary school.

I am a writer and a healer / spiritual sensitive (training to become a comedian : ) ) and we live in a world apart too.

And you are very aware: You notice things others miss. Recently you wrote down a quote from comedian Chris Rock [“Being a comedian, 80 percent of the job is just you notice shit. . . . You notice things people don't notice.”] . . . As you know, Mr. Neall, there is no judgment on your life, so you are free to explore humour to your heart′s content; to push your edges watching raunchy guys like Chris Rock, as you have done.

Humour. Freedom. Freedom from judgment. Curiosity. Wise, nurturing companionship. And a sweetheart to visit in Vancouver next week. . . . I am grateful. A holiday = a holy day = freedom from fear and worry. That′s the best feeling. Thank you for supporting it, all you wonderful uplifters of humanity that I am getting to know. Please don′t ever give up on me. (I know you can′t, as that would contradict your job description.) I′m glad to get a new comedic moment from Seinfeld in my e-mail Inbox weekly . . .

. . . I just remembered I had a strong dream last week of late-night talk show host David Letterman—another witty human being. In the dream, he came to my apartment and visited for quite a while—but he was a spiritual teacher, imparting deep wisdom. I wish I had been able to remember it all and write it down, but I do recall one bit. He said, “The only thing to do [in your difficulty] is to go deeply into silence.” When he stood up to go, I noticed he was a good foot and half taller than me; he was standing right next to me and I had to look up to see his face, and I am over six feet tall. That would have made him over 7 feet, 6 inches. What a beautiful dream that was, and the feelings upon awakening were blissful. I have a (tall) renowned humorist as a spiritual teacher—progress indeed, dear one. . . .What else is it important for me to know tonight regarding my health / healing / recovery, dear friend and teacher?

Dear Mr. Neall: You have the right to be happy, despite your environment of childhood unhappiness going back into the distant past. Through diligent study, as you are doing, you can rewrite the script, change fate into destiny and become someone you like; you can develop a ′sunshine mind′, like teachers Pema Chödrön and Louise L. Hay and the Buddhist abbot Ajahn Brahm you mentioned today. It is possible. Even tonight, you saw a solitary, very quiet man leaving the restaurant and you felt immediate compassion for him—compassion born of your suffering . . .

. . . Acknowledge yourself, Mr. Neall: You are one of us—a teacher, a lightworker, here to help uplift humanity; here to have a good time, to be happy and to pass it on. Welcome to your new career. . . . In love and light. Your Higher Self.

 

February 17, 2015: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always glad to talk to you, Mr. Neall.

Thank you. I′m doing my best today to accept this ′bounty′ of a good friend / companionero / teacher / guide who is always available and always helpful, a force dedicated full-time to uplifting humanity . . .

. . . I′m sitting in bright afternoon sunshine [12 deg. C] enjoying the view over a large grassy field where several men are expertly piloting radio-controlled model aircraft, making the small craft perform loops, spins and steep climbs, followed by dives almost to the ground . . . [decided not to journal further today] . . .

February 27, 2015: Parking lot, Miracle Beach Provincial Park, Black Creek, BC

 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We always available, dear one, in sunshine or in misery.

Misery—exactly. Again, there is some misunderstanding on what it takes to live peacefully and happily in my new home town, growing in fearlessness and love and creativity—and in communication with my Higher Self. “Seek love and compassion,” Kryon says, “—that′s the answer.” I wrote that down a few months ago . . .

. . . After the unexpected ′whirlwind′ one-day visit from my Vancouver girlfriend, I am discombobulated and unable to pick up the thread of my healing path. I am even embarrassed and ashamed to talk to my Higher Self—despite its many assurances over the years that it judges me not, and that it is a force for compassion and healing and unconditional love . . .

. . . How could I experience that love today? How could I overcome this ′sinking feeling′? Become happier and healthier and in touch with The Big Picture? More hopeful? What would it take to return to the Council of Light or the Spiritual Brotherhood in the Service of Humanity that Jesus spoke of? . . . I surrender to that now.

Dear Mr. Neall: Welcome to life, where not everything goes / flows exactly the way we want all the time. Congratulations on again reaching out, rather than remaining mired . . . [yawning; burping] . . . Congratulations on expressing love for your karmic partner in the best ways you know how. Truly there is no judgment on you or her; you are free to explore relating ′without fear or favour′ . . . [yawning; burping] . . . Again: There is truly no judgment on your situation. Try not to judge yourself or to be hard on yourself in any way—it is not helpful. We are always glad to help restore peace of mind / peace of heart; to remind you that seeking to express love is a worthwhile endeavour, and always will be.

That is what I am exploring. That is why I spend time each day now clearing up the detritus, the negativity, from all past family-of-origin relationships (and others) from childhood and youth. I believe that is one way to become happier and more present and empowered. Is there anything else I could know in regards to this today?

Dear Mr. Neall: “Love can build a bridge”—remember that: from one heart to another. That is the way to build the life you want, the ′first commandment′. . . . We will not abandon you, Mr. Neall, ′friend of God′, doing his best to express his true nature in a wider world—through poetry at the moment [preparing a writing competition submission] . . . [yawning; burping] . . . Our love for you does not waver, cannot fail. We are, after all, in a ′permanent partnership′ that involves the upliftment of humanity. Do not despair, Mr. Neall: ′Love and light′ are close at hand, and you know how to ′call them in′ . . .

. . . Keep forgiving everyone, as you are doing daily. Live one day at a time. Pray. Meditate. Hear the voices of your teachers, including the ones in your dreams. Healing is all around you. Comprenez, dear one?

My partner, I do. Including my life coach / minister . . . [yawning; burping] . . . there is love and friendship.

Indeed, Mr. Neall. You have chosen well. . . . Again, we will not abandon you . . . and you have discipline—that combination creates a powerful partnership. May it serve you well. . . . Your Higher Self-in-the park.

March 10, 2015: Timmy Ho′s Willow Point, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are always nearby, dear Mr. Neall.

Thank you. I had such good energy for my walk this morning and I′ve been trying to figure out where that came from. Perhaps from the green powder (spirulina, kale, broccoli, chorella) I′ve been taking daily that gives me a healthier digestive system and seemingly more energy. “Never stop seeking,” I heard my inner voice say one day recently. That′s a good plan. . . . What′s the most important thing I need to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear friend?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are a true explorer, and that pays dividends. Congratulations on every advance in your health. Please know that we will never cease being available to you as a partner in growth—ever. As we have said before: This partnership can go on forever. It can (and it has) brought you out of the deepest pits of despair and hopelessness. Please note that that is not where you are at tonight. You have successfully navigated a year and more with a counsellor; you have an energetic new friend that you helped on Boxing Day; you have an indefatigable minister / life coach / friend who means a lot to you; plus an occasional visit with a young male pal / spiritual brother. Your vehicle is running well once again after last month′s repairs (at a discounted seniors′ rate); and you′ve sent a poetry competition entry to your Vancouver publishing friend / employer for her critique . . .

. . . The days are getting more interesting, Mr. Neall. Staying out of self-criticism, self-judgment and self-punishment helps immensely with that, as does going to the gym every three days. Yesterday on a drive when you felt badly you realized that you could pray, and after a couple of rounds of The Lord′s Prayer and the Twenty-Third Psalm you had a beautiful encounter with ′God′s helpers′ that brought you to tears that brought relief. Welcome to the spiritual life, dear one, which comes with a toolbox full of healing ideas ready for use at the first sign of trouble.

Thank you, my guide and mentor and friend—the one who never abandons me, no matter what.

Correct. We don′t speak that language at all.

Is there anything else I could know about my journey tonight, my endlessly available, endlessly patient friend?

Correct again, Mr. Neall. ′Friend′ is the right word. Love is the right action: unconditional love. You are learning the language. Self-care as well. We will never let you down, dear one—guaranteed. Wear that thought like a crown on your head on your drive home. . . . Your Higher Self: alive in the moment.

 

March 15, 2015: Timmy Ho′s Willow Point, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self—the one who judges me not; who abandons me never; who is always positive, no matter what I am going through . . . who is an ongoing miracle.

You are getting to know us and to trust us, Mr. Neall—good for you.

I am riding a roller coaster of being either in heaven or hell, dear one . . . [While transcribing this into the computer on November 2016, I went to my hard-copy dictionary to check if ′roller coaster′ was one word or two. For fun, I always attempt to crack open the dictionary to the exact page on the first try—today it happened again. Awesome.] . . . It seems good can only come to me followed by suffering and misery—in this case a positive, uplifting consultation with my life coach / minister in which I read her my poem “Only Love Will Help” and afterwards felt myself in touch with something my mind called ′the thousand attributes of God′—as if truly a crown were upon my head, a crown whose red / orange / yellow / pink warmth ′changed my mind′ . . .

. . . Then the next day I met her at the shopping mall and she stated I longer needed to book appointments with her, that we were friends and I could just call her up and see when she was free to visit. That was the best moment of my Campbell River life, dear one. Then, in the excitement of feeling loved, I ′lost my centre′, and that started a stress response that I′m still dealing with two days later. Today while out at Miracle Beach Park, on the beach among the seashells and the seagulls and the fresh air and the mountain / ocean views, I sang a couple of songs: “The Rose” and “Evening Bells,” a Russian song I recalled last year from childhood and that I sing in Russian. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Congratulations on once again putting pen to paper; on trusting in ′a power greater than yourself′. We will always do our best to help you out of any pickle through honest and high-minded dialogue. As you have learned, we usually come through for you.

Indeed you have. We have developed some trust—a scarce quality in my soul till now. I′d like to ′surrender to love and light′ today; surrender to ′a willingness to be happy′. Part of that would be to trust that I am supported by the Universe in my personal growth. My minister friend would be part of that. . . . Have I actually ′turned a corner′? Do I now truly believe in love?

Dear Mr. Neall: You are asking a good question and we will not abandon you in it. Please know that there is no limit on our love: anywhere, any time, any problem: we are willing to bring love to it. We are unlimited in our capacity to help. And endlessly patient . . . [yawning] . . . a quality we know you appreciate.

No question about that . . . [yawning] . . . Patience is a ′golden quality′, in my thinking. I need to be patient about becoming a writer of poetry and books on the spiritual search, on overcoming the hopelessness and despair of the poet I was in a past incarnation.

Well said, Mr. Neall. And we will be with you for all of it. Again: There is no limit on our capacities; no limit on our ability to create freedom and happiness. This may take some ′training time′ to absorb . . . [burping] . . .

It′s a Big Picture, my friend . . . [yawning] . . . I′m willing to surrender to anything that puts a smile on my face today: a bit of hope, a healing encounter, a moment of serendipity or synchronicity or radical forgiveness. I′d even settle for a small insight or two, or a moment of heart-opening compassion for the struggling poet / writer within me, creating a path out of the debris of the past . . . [burping; yawning] . . . That compassion is part of the teachings of my ′friends in high places′—something else to feel grateful for. I will contemplate such compassion this evening, which will be a quiet one. I am less miserable. I am grateful for this partnership.

March 18, 2015: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self, even though in my present state I trust no one. I seem to be in a state of ′internalized self-punishment′ (taking a guess) and have spent much of the night doing deep-breathing exercises to try and manage the lower back pain. I need to ′change my mind′ about something; move out of hell yet again; find a higher perspective. So I turn to my Higher Self, though with few expectations of ′success′ today, yet with nowhere else to go. How has it come to this—this state I was in years ago on my camping trips in the BC Interior? How can I trust, when trusting my minister / life coach results only in pain and dysfunctionality the day after I visit with her? I don′t understand this healing journey any more. Please help.

Dear Mr. Neall: . . . And yet you do turn to your Higher Self. You invoke a measure of trust and faith, a measure of discipline. Once again, we demonstrate patience and nonjudgmental attentiveness to your situation; we demonstrate willingness . . . friendship . . . being a source of hope. Please believe that hope exists around you; that there exist other points of view than the one you currently espouse. As you know, only recently you′ve been hopeful about your poetry and your entry in the literary competition—even ′practising winning′ by purchasing a new pair of slacks in preparation for taking the podium at the awards dinner. Your ′walking energy′ has been good lately, and your digestion / elimination has improved with the inclusion of green-powder drinks several times daily. And you′ve gotten a positive dream message resolving a problematic relationship with the homeowner from your first days in Campbell River.

My counsellor seems to have ′cheered up′ lately. Now that she is happier, I feel my own suffering state and find it hard to be around such people. I see that they are happy, but I don′t know how to get there myself. I seem to be mired in near-permanent unhappiness (and unhealthiness). Please advise.

Dear Mr. Neall: Please don′t give up . . . [yawning] . . . Learn today about ′not giving up′ . . . [yawning; tears] . . . Accept today that we won′t give up on you—we don′t know how. As stated before: We can be anything you need, including (positive) mother, father, brother or sister. Accept our love and caring, our ′familiness′. It is real, though unfamiliar to you. Draw on this ′cosmic familiness′ any time you wish to be nourished.

Nourishment and upliftment are what I could use today.

Many could, Mr. Neall. You are not alone in that. And you are not alone, period. You′ve proven that to yourself again today. You′re part of the family—the family of spiritual seekers, of lightworkers. Welcome . . . welcome, dear light . . . [tears; yawning] . . .

And we′ll always be in partnership?

No question about it, Mr. Neall. Any time anywhere, anyhow—the cosmic love affair continues.

The partnership . . .

Yes. The ′companionero-ship′.

The nourishment-ship . . .

Exactly. . . . Dear one, you are loved—endlessly. Let that in today (and every day). . . . Vaya con Dios. Your no-kidding Higher Self.

March 20, 2015: Parking lot, Willow Creek Pump Station, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always available to you, Mr. Lightworker.

I am told (via an archetypal astrologer Robert Ohotto YouTube video) that today′s eclipse of the sun (not seen here), in Pisces, on the new moon, is a special ′rebooting′ time: time to “let go of a problematic past and more fully embrace the soul′s journey.” Perhaps that′s why I′m not sleeping well. The (tonglen) Buddhist deep breathing is helping. But I feel very alone, after becoming over-stimulated talking to my minister / life coach a week ago in the parking lot at my local mall. I′m not interested in any more stimulation through social contact, so I turn again to my Higher Self. . . . What′s the most important thing I need to know today about my health / healing / recovery?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please believe that we are always available for this dialogue. We will not (cannot, in truth) let you down. Nor would we want to. We enjoy our ′work′ of uplifting humanity, of teaching love and light, and have no plans to stop.

That is good news to begin with.

It′s all goodness from here, dear one.

Then how could I find some good news today that would help release / relieve the back pain and help me feel more confident going through the solar-eclipse period this weekend? . . . Yesterday I checked out the YouTube videos of Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse, the Tibetan Buddhist meditation master with whom I took Buddhist initiation in Vancouver perhaps ten years ago, after he had appeared to me in a dream (I had seen his movie The Cup several months before at my local cinema); in that dream he had supportively stood beside me and placed his arm around my shoulder. I received a beautiful healing listening to him answer questions during a meeting in Bhutan. (He oversees two teaching monasteries in Bhutan, plus one in India and one in China.) . . .

. . . I seem to be truly ′drawn to the East′--as in the Rainer Maria Rilke poem that begins, “Sometimes a man stands up at supper . . .”: an Oriental girlfriend, a (former) Hindu guru, and now a Tibetan Buddhist teacher. This is helping to broaden my outlook, which I dearly want to do—in order to break out of the ′cultural oppression′ of a scapegoated boy in an abusive, small-town fundamentalist Christian family. Thank you for being there for my soul-expansion experiences going forward from here into ′unknown territory′, it seems like.

We would not want it to be otherwise, dear one. And ′no judgment′—remember?

With a sigh of relief, I do.

Explore life (and healing) to your heart′s (and soul′s) content. Remember: “Whatever brings a smile to your face . . .” We are there for all of it. In your darkest night, your deepest despair—we are there. In your greatest joy, your most magnificent feelings of empowerment—we are there. We cannot quit, and we cannot quit being helpful . . . [sigh] . . .

I am left almost without words. . . . You promise (and provide) endless and effective support, on any issue, any time, anywhere. And that′s your (full-time) job—eternally. And you can do it for millions of people at the same time . . .

Awesome, eh?

You′ve got me smiling. Please carry on, with everything; with teaching me more about this partnership—day or night.

We would want nothing else. We will settle for nothing else, Mr. Neall, companionero, partner, friend. “Let It Be,” dear one. . . . Your Beatle Higher Self.

March 24, 2015: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

You are never denied access, Mr. Neall.

I′m trying to let in the changes, dear one. My life coach and minister and I shared powerful, releasing moments of giggling over a shared joke two days ago after Sunday service. The next day she mentioned in an e-mail that she had thought of that moment again and giggled as she was falling asleep. “Humour looks good on you, Neall,” she said . . .

. . . It′s becoming a new world, dear one: empowerment, laughter and feeling masculine. Then the burning pain in my lower back returns and I feel dysfunctional. And so I turn to my Higher Self—the one who judges me not. I turn to my guides and gatekeepers and guardian angels who help keep me safe and healthy . . . [burping] . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today?

Dear Mr. Neall: The ′miracle of laughter′ is entering your soul—please let it in. You are rewriting an old inner script that said this was impossible. Congratulations. Recall we have said many times, “We are with you for everything.” We are indeed—including the erasing of your old mental tapes that kept you stuck in misery.

One of my favourite teachers right now, Robert Ohotto, a depth astrologer and author of the helpful book From Fate to Destiny: A New Dialogue with Your Soul, said that last Friday′s eclipse of the sun in Pisces brought a rebooting of energy and a chance to release more of the past that is unlike one′s true destiny. Perhaps that is influencing me as well. It seems that quite a shift has occurred in me: less past now, more future; less fate, more destiny; less despair, more hope. Still, the struggle to become peaceful and happy goes on. I′m counting on your companionship . . . [burping] . . . and your love—especially at moments like this when I feel unable to love myself. What do you say, dear one? What′s preventing me from loving myself more today?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we love you, and that our love never ends. It is available for the asking, and you are one who is asking. Never stop seeking. Never stop reaching for the light, for unconditional love. Keep letting go of your past, as you are doing. “Claim the best and leave the rest.” Grieve when you need to; or weep with joy over unclaimed past happinesses: times that were magical for a child . . . [yawning] . . . like your six-week, 1,600-kilometre (1,000-mile) trip to visit your [dozens of Mennonite] relatives in central Saskatchewan when you were seven [with my two older brothers in the back of a 1951 Ford pickup with a canopy, infant younger brother in the front with Mom and my uncle—no seat belts—in 1954, through the Rocky Mountains in April] . . . For all of this we are there . . .

. . . We never leave you, Mr. Neall—we would not want to. Be at peace—it looks good on you. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your empowering friend, your Higher Self.

 

April 3, 2015 [Good Friday]: Parking lot, Willow Creek Pump Station, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

 

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

As this holiday weekend begins, I turn to my Higher Power, the one who judges me not; who celebrates with me every success; who accompanies me through the confusion and uncertainty of a new life, free from the pain of the past; who helps to nourish the ′lost boy′ within me; who helps to ′bring me home′. Dear one, today I wept at the end of a Lee Carroll lecture on the truth about the year 2012 and how it was a positive time for humanity, a time of forward momentum rather than of fear, as the popular media promoted. The truth of his words ′hit my heart′, and I am grateful to have been in the presence of such a ′straight shooter′. . . . As I continue to get grounded in the community of Campbell River, I ask: What is the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear Higher Self?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we are with you, and that we enjoy the experience of watching you grow emotionally and creatively, socially and spiritually. Please reach out whenever you feel the need: We will not deny you our partnership ever. It is a privilege to know you, and to bring love, light and laughter to the various situations you encounter in your relationships, career and finances. We are a force that cannot be stopped, so when you feel stuck, turn to us. And as the sun slowly sets behind you, illuminating the freshly covered snowy peaks of the Coast Range across Georgia Strait out your vehicle′s front window, we share in the beauty you are experiencing . . .

. . . We are limitless, dear one. There is no area of life we do not contact, from the greatest to the infinitely small. Remembering this relationship will always uplift you—which, as you know we′ve said previously, is our ′job′. Returning your mind to an embrace of the Big Picture frees you from fear and worry—just as listening to that Lee Carroll lecture today did. That is the process, dear one, as you′ve proven to yourself many times already, and what leads you to pick up your pen yet again. You are developing a relationship with unconditional love. Congratulations on your progress. We salute your discipline—and we always will. Never-ending support, Mr. Neall, available ′at the drop of a pen′ . . .

. . . You′re onto something, Mr. Scribe. And when you′re ready, you′ll pass it on to others who encounter hopelessness and despair. You′ll be known as a lightworker. You′ll have your new path, your true career. You′ll understand our partnership. You won′t be missing anything any more. The ′hungry ghost′ will have dissolved into thin air, and happiness will be the language you′ll speak. That is our promise to those who persevere, Mr. Neall. It has never been otherwise throughout eternity. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your mountain-viewing Higher Self.

 

April 17, 2015: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are glad to be with you, Mr. Neall.

Thank you. I′m aware of a lack of peace today, dear one who judges me not. Chronic indigestion can do that. On Monday I′ll get a distance healing from Dr. Adam from Ontario, and there′s a chance I′ll get a Reiki session tonight. I′ve been busy with getting a newer car on the road, after the van reached the end of its useful life. Also, I′m moving more quickly in life in general these days. I dreamt of a motor home on a race track with racing cars: perhaps I′m getting more ′at home at higher speed′? However, I′m not sleeping well with the digestion issues. Is the ′bottomless black hole of missing masculinity′ releasing its grip on my life? Is the mechanic I′ve been using for my van, and who is now getting a GMC Jimmy into shape for me, affecting me negatively? His expression can be brutal at times, though he claims to attend a Christian church. We have had a few good moments over the past years as he has attended to my van . . .

. . . As I keep moving gradually more into present time through prayers and meditation and walking and journalling disciplines, please tell me what I need to know to about my health / healing / recovery today, dear partner and Beloved. I seem to have been trying to ′paddle my own canoe′ lately.

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that there is no judgment on your life, ever. And we do not criticize or punish either. Those are not accurate representations of who we are; neither are they nourishing states of mind. So when you find yourself in them, it is indeed helpful for you to turn to your Higher Self, as you are doing. Recall also that we will never let you down, and that we are available night or day with limitless resources to bring to the condition at hand—including compassion and patience . . .

. . . Congratulations on recognizing your ′disconnection from spirit′ and doing something about it by taking pen in hand . . . [long pause] . . . And, as you discovered in five minutes of reflection just now on interactions with your mechanic two days ago, you do indeed feel brutalized by his attitude around the paying of the bill . . . [tears] . . . [cell phone rings] . . . And now your Reiki-practitioner friend has called back and you will get the treatment (with essential oils that she was training in today) that you were looking for tonight . . .

. . . You thought about her this morning; she called around noon and left a message; you called her back and left a message, and now you′re going to get your needs met. Welcome to the connected world, Mr. Neall; to the world of friendship, healing and love. You deserve every bit of it; as you also deserve the newer, attractive, more powerful, well-maintained vehicle you′ve bought, at a price that fits your budget (and far below its actual value) . . . [burping] . . .

Thank you. Truly I am grateful for the presence of my Higher Self in all my affairs.

April 22, 2015: Ocean-view parking lot, Simms Creek Pump Station, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

After the high energy expenditure getting the new truck on the road, I′m a bit unbalanced, dear one. It′s been quite a week, quite a demonstration of the power of manifestation. I had seen the truck sitting with a flat tire, collecting dust, in a parking lot on the south end town, and for months and months I prayed whenever I passed by that if this was the right vehicle for me, let it be so. And then after spending only $200 on repairs and cleaning supplies, I have the ′stable platform′ I′ve been seeking (with room to sleep in the back if I fold down the rear seats) . . . [burping] . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? How can I regain my balance?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we love you and also that we still have a sense of humour. Both love and humour will get you far in life. Also please know that we celebrate every success with you (we wouldn′t want it any other way), and that we will help restore balance to your soul, anywhere, any time of day or night, at your request . . .

. . . These ′bumps in the night′ (as you experienced last night in a dream of a tall, concrete building actually being ′adjusted′ in its position from its foundations on up) are part of your growth program. As you are beginning to see, you are opening to a kind of life that has been denied you—for lifetimes: empowered, connected, balanced, creative and, basically, healthy and happy. And this partnership will be part of that. We want to help you grow . . .

. . . Just as you discovered yesterday during morning prayers for your family of origin that there is an aunt [deceased] quite willing now to have you as her ′darling nephew′—demonstrating the kind of caring you never experienced from any aunt or uncle growing up—so we are for you and can help you grow, through the safety of trusting relationships: one of the options you are just now realizing is possible . . . [burping] . . . Growth, Mr. Neall: You′re in the middle of it. . . . Regards. Your caring Higher Self.

Campbell River at Elk Falls, 100X Normal Flow

April 29, 2015: Ocean-view parking lot near Rockland Road, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always glad to be with you, Mr. Neall.

′The stress of success′ has gotten to me, dear trusted advisor and friend: a new car, a ′connected′ birthday last Saturday, a big new creative idea arriving in my mind yesterday, another poetry-reading evening coming up tomorrow (that I may have miss due to back strain). Having just accomplished an effective catharsis session, however, I′ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow. Right now, after the growling and shouting, I′d like to ′fill up with love and light′; to nourish myself deeply at ′the well′, at the place of ′no judgment, no criticism, no punishment′ . . .

. . . A few days ago while at the gym, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and I heard a beautiful voice speaking through me, saying the following words: “I will never judge you; I will never criticize you; I will never punish you. I am your friend. Signed, God.” . . . That, indeed, is the kind of father I have wanted. It′s almost unbelievable, given my background, that I have come to the place within myself where I can hear those words ringing in my soul. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one? Is it time for a holiday, or even another vision quest?

Dear Mr. Neall: As you are learning, we will never let you down. The words you heard while looking into your own eyes in the mirror at Strathcona Gardens Rec Complex are true. Your disciplines are paying benefits . . . [drive to Timmy Ho′s Willow Point to use the washroom] . . .

Please keep teaching me about love, self-acceptance, self-esteem, happiness, communication, creativity, success, winning, wellness, the Big Picture, inner peace.

Gladly we do so, Mr. Neall. It is our only job, and we are the best at what we do. You could not find a better guide or a more willing one.

Knowing you is my happiness.

You′ve got it, Pontiac.

You are the love and light I am seeking, and in this partnership I am learning the most important things there are to know. Somehow I have developed this discipline, this answer to my needs. I need to acknowledge myself—not only for this, but for my social success and advancement in ′stable, comfortable and spacious living′. Plus my gym discipline (every three to four days), healthy food discipline and continuing prayer-practice discipline . . .

. . . So, can I ′relax′ yet? . . . The pain keeps pushing me forward. As Rev. Michael Beckwith of Agape International Spiritual Centre in California says: “The pain pushes you until the vision pulls you.” I′ve had several visions in the last six months. In the first, as I was heading out to a spiritual meeting one morning, I ′saw′ everyone in my [16-suite] apartment building going to their own kind of church, and all being happy in doing so. This week, I imagined I had an artist′s agent in town who had successfully negotiated a contract with a company to sell my mandala images for a line of t-shirts, and the money was rolling in regularly and I had lots to give away to good causes. That′s the biggest positive self-image I have experienced. I don′t want my mind to return to playing small again. That was a picture of an artist who is operating in the world in an empowered and happy way. Thank you for helping.

There is never any judgment on that, Mr. Neall. Your success disturbs no one. “Dare I eat a peach?” [a famous line from the T. S. Eliot poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”] doesn′t apply. Never will. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your ′friend in high places′. Your Higher Self.

May 7, 2015: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC [3:00 a.m.]

I wish to speak to my Higher Self—friend, Beloved, companionero.

We are always available, Mr. Neall.

I′m thinking that one of my issues at the moment is I′m confusing the PhD psychology prof at NIC—to whom I communicated a week ago my true reasons for leaving his course last year—with my Higher Self. I don′t think that′s a good idea, especially since he is not a spiritual-minded man, rather one who reveres science. But, overall, there is some disturbance in my soul, my psyche, and I wish to dissolve it by communicating with my (true) Higher Self, my source of unconditional love and light, friend, Beloved, companionero, therapist par excellence, source of all healing powers, father / mother, guide and mentor . . . [yawning] . . . I don′t know the source of my problems; I just need to know where the solution to my problems today lies: in my Higher Power: the one who has failed me never . . .

. . . Dear Higher Self: Once again I′ve become distracted by current events and politics; by too much computer time; by too much ′chat′ with neighbours. I am overwhelmed. Life is too much for my spiritual sensitivities and I don′t know how to relax, since I′ve just had a two-day camping holiday that obviously wasn′t enough. And I′m struck judging myself for ′too much solitude′ as I work out the details for a couple of weeks of camping on the Mainland next month. The self-judgment, self-criticism and self-punishment go on and on, dear one, despite your wonderful intervention at the gym′s washroom mirror last week. How can I move beyond that this night? How can I get back to ′radical self-acceptance′, to freedom from fear and worry, self-love, a sense of humour even, and a glimpse of the Big Picture . . . ?

. . . Yes, I know what′s missing. Congratulations to myself on that. Congratulations to myself on my new-car creation, and on my growing social life, including new developments with male neighbours and a clearing session with my mechanic in which he apologized for his moment of brutal behaviour over my bill. . . . Perhaps I am beating myself up over my recent vision of artistic success and happiness and connection to the larger world and a new, non-victimized identity with abundant flow of money. That seems like something I would do to myself after such a big vision . . .

. . . Basically, I don′t recognize myself as this new, non-victimized person. I have lived what author and Franciscan monk Richard Rohr has described as: “so deep in a black hole of low self-esteem that [I] had no way to climb out” [in his book Immortal Diamond, page 125]. I grew up absorbing the religious notion that “God is everything and we are nothing” . . . through teachings and also how my parents lived their lives and how they treated me . . . [burping] . . . How have I transformed into a person with this artistic vision and clear sense of identity? Into a kind of life where self-judgment, self-criticism and self-punishment mostly can no longer be found? . . . [burping; yawning] . . .

. . . I need to add to my self-congratulations my recent experience with senior Canadian writer-in-residence here from Saskatoon, David Carpenter, whose books I have been enjoying since my critiquing session with him on my essays and several poems. He offered praise and words of encouragement on my poetry. Out of that encounter, I submitted my poetry to the Cedric Literary Awards competition . . . And my dreams are telling me to study aromatherapy / essential oil healing. So much good is happening, dear one; so much growth and change . . . [yawning] . . . so much possibility for happiness. What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight? . . . [burping] . . .

Dear Mr. Neall: You have called and we have answered . . . [tears] . . . That is how it works. It took forty years of seeking to track down the “black hole of low self-image” that was keeping you stuck—for lifetimes. We can only add our own congratulations to yours. “Whatever you need, whenever you need it,” is our motto, as you know. . . . Don′t stop, Mr. Neall. Don′t stop growing (up). We parent you gladly—morning, noon and ′all through the night′: anywhere, any time, with any problem. It is no effort for us.

“You′re still the one,” as the 1970s pop song goes. And The Good News goes on and on. I guess that′s what ′eternal′ means. . . . I′m getting off track here. End the writing session? I′m feeling badly again: another level of pain being encountered. Thank you for continuing to guide my health, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and social—as with my recent guidance to study aromatherapy. Smell is a powerful force for change . . . [burping] . . . Again, what is the most important thing to know about my well-being, and about growing a more positive self-image?

This is the way, Mr. Neall—this partnership of growth, of happiness, of peace. Learn to trust in ′the force that will never let you down′; that can bring unlimited resources to bear on the situation; that has a sense of humour—and compassion; that withholds nothing from those it communicates with; that will never cease communicating; that is in love with humanity.

Let me let in that love (and light) this morning (and always). Let me surrender to being well and happy and well-loved (and guided). Let me surrender at ′the well of soul nourishment′. Let me get into partnership with my source—the source of all creativity . . . ′so help me God′.

And so it is. . . . Rest and retreat, dear one, for your soul nourishment. . . . In love and light. Your Higher Self. [4:30 a.m.]

May 11, 2015: Timmy Ho′s Willow Point, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Glad to be with you, friend.

Yes, thank you. I′ve just been visiting with a new male friend, someone also studying the Presence of God, and I mentioned discovering you as a friend, and how valuable our growing relationship is to me. M.Z. sees me as a teacher and is also interested in growing as a way of life (although, being 35, he has a different point of view than I have). I am less alone tonight. And I got some good shots of the falls from the new Elk Falls Suspension Bridge yesterday—the destination of our hike. Tomorrow or the after I will get another Jin Shin Do acupressure session, involving myself in self-care and the easing of physical / mental tension. I ask for your presence there too, for optimal benefit. . . . A few days ago, I had a dream that said studying essential oils was to be my next project, so I′ve begun with that work. Keeping lavender essence going all night is a real stress reliever; the olfactory stimulation keeps my mind off pain and problems. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one? How could I best find balance, happiness, peace of mind?

Dear Mr. Neall: Congratulations on once again making time to sit down with pen in hand; on shutting out the outside world and attending to your inner one; on practising the path to peace; on thinking of one of your favourite teachers of inner peace, the Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, whose spoken words on YouTube videos often bring you to tears. We, your true teachers and mentors, believe in you, Mr. Neall. We believe you can also achieve inner peace and happiness—′an empowered soul being living in a body on planet Earth in the twenty-first century′, as you like to put it. That′s what our ′permanent partnership′ is about. Though you sometimes forget who we are, we never forget who you are. That empowered soul being is who we are talking to. Like your new male friend M.Z., we see the best in you—and we always will. Never-ending support, Mr. Neall, at the drop of a pen.

′Soul nourishment′ is what I′ve been lacking—for lifetimes. This lifetime, I had a life ′already dried up at twenty-nine′, as I write in my essay “Confessions of A Vancouver Cloud Watcher” [neallcalvert.blogspot.ca/] . . . [yawning] . . . But I′m filling up with the light and love, dear one, of your awesome presence and never-ending care—care that provides hope in my darkest moments as well as constant attention to my longing for wholeness / holiness and meaningful, purposeful living; for joy, wellness, laughter, creative expression that is recognized and received, and an end to pain and neurosis and ′self-inflicted wounding′ . . .

. . . Only your presence ′in, around, as and through me′ is big enough for this problem. I′m clear about that, friend. May your mercy and compassion be everywhere. May I be restored to my ′original [soul] nature′; become familiar with ′Big Mind′; merge with my Higher Self; live life as ′a self-aware movie′ (not too much drama, please) . . . [yawning] . . . That′s what I want, dear friend.

We will always listen to what you want, Mr. Neall. We abandon no one, ever. We are patient. We are like your new male friend, who tonight offered to (non-judgmentally) listen to any issue you are dealing with, as he knows that ′that′s what friends are for′. And he can share silences as well—something important to you, dear one. . . . We have no problem with silences . . . [three-minute pause] . . . And as we resume speaking, your reasons for self-punishment and self-judgment seem to be dissolving, dear one.

May they disappear back to the nothingness from which they arose—mere thoughts in a mind. And if that is possible, then anything is possible, friend, and I am closer to being free than I thought, and this partnership has indeed revealed the ′pearl of great price′, a.k.a. The Holy Grail, as an ever-available, achievable goal.

“Eyes on the prize,” Mr. Neall. Be ready, be steady. . . . We are always available for dialogue. Like Timmy Ho′s (as you just confirmed with the staff member), “We never close.” . . . Blessings. Your Zen Master Higher Self.

May 18, 2015 [Victoria Day holiday]: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Always with you, Mr. Neall.

I′m having a mini-holiday on the edge of town today at a place with a big sky and also mountains in the distance. I′ve had my nap and am now fortifying myself with greens juice, a product that has improved my digestion and elimination and overall gut health the past few months. I′m growing in courage, as I have finally sent the letter to the PhD psychology prof at NIC, a year after I quit his class in the middle of the semester, telling him why . . .

. . . I tried to set up an appointment with an art agent in town of whom I had become aware. She was part of my expansive vision for selling art t-shirts a few weeks ago, but didn′t hear back. She had asked to see samples of my work when I met her selling books at a craft fair. It′s puzzling when one doesn′t hear back from such people, but, obviously, I can′t control others and my vision has been put on hold. Meditating for two hours from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. and then tonglen deep-breathing exercises this morning have helped settle things down. . . . What′s the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery today, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Become peaceful, friend—always the best first step. Congratulations on using another one of your effective tools when you couldn′t sleep [tonglen breathing technique]. Understanding that to be the cause of your current sense of equanimity will serve you well. Your general sense of renewal occurring now—buoyed by birthday wishes received and your new vehicle, as well as stable and comfortable home and well-running bicycle and growing social life—is bringing hope, and you experience what it truly is like to live a blessed life . . .

. . . Congratulations again, partner. We will never let you down in this partnership (as you know), and it can go on forever. Our only job (as you sometimes forget) is the upliftment of humanity, and we are at it night and day. It requires no effort on our part and only the capacity for focus and discipline on yours.

Thank you, dear one. The rewards of that discipline are too great to ignore any more; this ′partnership of blessing′ is truly what I have long sought. It brings peace of mind, energy, freedom from fear or worry about lack, healthier relationships and renewed purpose. Who would choose, having experienced the opposite, anything else? . . . So, as Leonard Cohen sings, in his deep baritone voice: “I′m . . . your . . . man.” Thank you again.

Vaya con Dios, Mr. Neall. Your holiday Higher Self.

May 21, 2015: Timmy Ho′s Willow Point, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Glad to be with you, Mr. Neall.

What′s happening? I haven′t felt this awful in a while. And that′s after an hour of sunbathing and a gym workout plus sauna this afternoon. This is discouraging. I feel completely overwhelmed. Did my visit with my new young male friend, M.Z., create this? Our conversations are high-minded, purposeful and even joyous. Is this a reaction to experiencing that unfamiliar joy and support and love among males? Is this ′too much, too soon′? How do I ′recover′ from that experience? I am in total overwhelm (and sipping on a ′creamy chocolate chill′ as comfort food).

Dear Mr. Neall: Please remember: We are always with you and we never judge you. You are connecting with a source of unconditional love, one that will never, ever let you down. We didn′t judge you when you were beginning these writings years ago at the Timmy Ho′s at Ironwood Mall in Richmond, BC, and we aren′t judging you now—for anything.

That′s still hard for me to let in sometimes. But I′m starting to think that I have really ′lowered the boom on myself′—the boom of self-judgment, self-criticism and self-punishment—after having my ′high day′ with Matt yesterday. It was pure joy as I introduced him to the Matthew Messages teachings and the Kryon channellings on the web and he brought me his Neale Donald Walsch books, Conversations With God [three volumes] to borrow for the summer . . .

. . . It all seemed so easy and fun—and now I′m ′paying for it′, it seems—not really, of course—with the reaction of the ′nasty′ part of my mind, the internalized toxic-father ′God curse′: the fundamentalist Christian terror. . . . And then I got involved on the web today reading about fundamentalist Zionist terrorists. . . . How am I doing?

Pretty good, Mr. Neall. Pretty classy detective work. And we are glad to be your partner in it. You caught your reaction in only one day this time. You are slowly becoming free of the curse of self-loathing that you unconsciously inherited through childhood religious abuse.

There is a solution to my situation: Never stop growing, learning, seeking. Never stop my disciplines, my self-care, my personal growth and self-development: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and social. Get into partnership with a power greater than myself. Take holidays—like right now: a change of environment; also a holiday from my strict, 80-per-cent-fruit-and-vegetable, high-powered-nutrition diet (the inner child has rebelled). And if there are ways out of ′my dark abyss′, that must mean there are answers for everyone who seeks, since few will have encountered this level of decades-long, debilitating darkness.

Another A+, Mr. Neall . . .

And I totally deserve my beautiful, budget-priced, green, 4WD GMC truck with streamlined rooftop carrier and six-ply tires. I have worked for it—spiritually worked, through prayer and mental affirmations.

We couldn′t agree more. Congratulations, Mr. Neall. ′Eyes on the prize′ indeed. Empowerment, abundance, love, joy—welcome to the kingdom.

I′m reminded of a ′Buddha′s Blessing′ I came across a while ago, words to the effect, “May I let go of the hundred things I thought I wanted and embrace the thousand things I didn′t know I could have.” . . . This is the language I am learning: the language of happiness. It′s not too late for me. Thank God I didn′t throw it all away a few years ago. Thank God I found a way through the pain. Thank God I have spiritual tools that work. Thank God I have this partnership. . . . I am grateful. “May God prevail; may Good prevail; may peace prevail throughout the Universe, now and forever,” as I pray each day. And it is true, I know now, that inner message I heard on my week-long vision quest in the BC Interior fifteen years ago: “The only thing that will heal your back is your relationship with the Universe.”

We are glad to be with you, friend. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your heart-centred Higher Self.

May 26, 2015: Parking lot, Willow Creek Pump Station, South Island Highway, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

We are always here, Mr. Neall.

Dear Higher Self: Tough day today, dear one. I attended a 7:00 a.m. meditation at the spiritual centre yesterday and got into quite a positive state afterwards, enjoying the warmth of the spiritual director, Jill. Today, perhaps in response to all that positivity, I got nauseous and full of catastrophic thoughts and hopelessness. What a conundrum! Will I ever get through this? . . . Six years ago, after a healing session by a Science of Mind minister and friend in Langley, BC, I had a vision: “Peaceful and happy at seventy-two.” Just under three years to go. Is it even possible? . . .

. . . I am imagining having serious illness, my back is so sore I can′t walk standing straight up; sneezing is painful. I′m taking as much ′time off′ as possible, spending it in the sun and in Nature during these warmer-than-average days of late spring. My driving is unfocused—though I notice that I am more assertive these days than I′ve ever been: no more victimization; no more playing chronic ′second fiddle′; no more waiting for others to act before I speak up, merely reacting to everything. I am grateful for your part in this, as well as in my ′blessings′ of home and transportation, including a 27-speed mountain bicycle in good condition. I am obviously learning to receive at a new level. . . . What, then, is the most important thing to know about my health / healing / recovery tonight, dear one?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know that we love you—we always have and we always will. As we′ve said in the past, “Love dissolves problems or doesn′t create them in the first place.” Please believe this: It is true. “Freedom from fear and worry” is a remarkable achievement, Mr. Neall—and you are working on it day and night. Good for you . . . [yawning] . . . Reading the Conversations With God series of books by Neale Donald Walsch will help to bring you out of your old, fearful notions of God—one of the most important areas of learning on the healing path . . . [yawning] . . .

I′m not sleeping well. I was up seven times last night to urinate, which would mean my stress levels are high. How can I feel more of this love and thus less stress?

Please remember, Mr. Neall, that we have no judgment of you. We can teach the same truth sixty times if need be without losing our regard for you—a regard that will go on for eternity, by the way . . . [yawning] . . .

How can I return to a semblance of equanimity this evening, I ask my partner . . . [burping] . . . a state of hope? Stop the self-attack . . . accept myself . . . experience self-approvement rather than a need for self-improvement . . . [yawning] . . .. I wish to experience the feeling of ′being at home′ with you; being part of the family of lightworkers that I′ve experienced before; being known and respected. And bring love to my family of origin, including two sets of grandparents and twenty-plus uncles and aunts: thus to end the separations and alienation . . .

. . . [Took a break to use the washroom and in that time got a fun idea: to take photographs of the spiritual director′s new puppies: eleven Labradoodles less than a month old. I can′t imagine seeing such a sight again in the near future, anywhere. . . . The more time I spend in such pursuits, I realize, the less time I spend worrying and catastrophizing and the easier it is to get along with family of origin, because I have my own, clearly demarcated, life trajectory. And I can express my love for animals as part of Nature.] . . .

I′m feeling a little better . . . [yawning] . . . Jill is a busy and talented spiritual teacher, guiding meditations, teaching classes and directing activities in the new building the group has recently purchased. As I think of closing off here, is there anything else I could know tonight?

Dear Mr. Neall: We love you—we always have. You are part of this family. You are always welcome here. Welcome home, friend—night or day. No power can change that, ever. Believe it, eternal son waking up to his heritage. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your oceanside Higher Self.

May 30, 2015: Parking lot, Quinsam Crossing, Campbell River, BC

I wish to speak to my Higher Self.

Ready at any time, Mr. Neall.

Dear Higher Self: I′m attempting to work out a camping holiday and Lower Mainland visit. My stress levels are high and I′m finding it impossible to rest my back. I also have to figure out money for the ferries, which add $160 to trip costs. The truck is feeling solid, and I was glad this week to learn a solution to worn ignition-key issues: Get an original key cut by a GM dealer, using the code that is part of the VIN (Vehicle Identification Number). . . . And now, for less than $40, I have an ignition key that operates like a new one . . .

. . . For reading material, I′ve got the three-book series Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch, borrowed from male pal M.Z. I identify with Walsch′s surprise at finding out God has a sense of humour. “I invented humour,” his book′s God states in the dialogue. And Walsch is called “one of God′s messengers.” . . . Truly, that must be what is happening here.

Dear Mr. Neall: Make no mistake about it. You have called and we have answered . . . [tears] . . . as we answer every heartfelt call.

It was also good to see that Walsch didn′t write it all straight through; sometimes several months would pass between writing sessions. These volumes will keep me uplifted for the summer. . . . What else could I know today that might assist my journey of health / healing / recovery?

Please know, Mr. Neall, that we will never ever let you down. Your every fear or worry or thought of abandonment can be placed in our court; the darkest moment of your life too. Even when you think you have completely ′lost the light′, we are here to remind you that you haven′t. . . . Have we ever failed you? You cannot respond with anything other than ′No′. . . Reaching for your spiritual magnificence? Take our hand . . .

. . . You have achieved a stable, comfortable and spacious home, a strong vehicle and a safe, well-running bicycle; made connections with your mother-and-daughter neighbours who are Tim Hortons′ employees—who the other night gave you a chicken wrap super-loaded with extra lettuce and tomato when you navigated the drive-thru lane. That′s The Good Life, Mr. Neall. You are deserving and worthy of every bit of it.

“I am grateful—help thou mine ingratitude,” as it is said. Thank you for now helping me to raise my ′inner financial thermostat′ above $2,000 per month. That would change everything; lighten things up.

In a world of limitless possibilities, that is one of them, Mr. Neall . . . [burping; yawning] . . .

I pray that it be so . . . as I salute this partnership. It has brought me nothing but good. May it continue forever.

That is how things are designed, Mr. Neall. . . . Vaya con Dios. Your supersized Higher Self.

June 13, 2015: Home, South Dogwood Street, Campbell River, BC [4:30 a.m.]

Dear Higher Self: I am in a health crisis of some kind. Sleep is difficult; socializing has been wearying. The energy / pain stuck in my lower back / back of my pelvis is wearing me down. I′ve had an awful dream, and need to somewhere find the courage to keep moving forward into ′a future unlike my past′ . . . past the rage (and the demon that appeared and was cleared during a Jin Shin Do session a week ago) and into forgiveness and love and light; into joy, lightness and ease, and fun, play and laughter. I want to ′shake loose′ this negativity—negativity that I′m guessing, as I write, is from past lives: the ′ad nauseum museum′ I was introduced to in these pages years ago. I′m dreaming of terminal illness, so my concerns seem pretty real . . .

. . . I have momentary glimpses of the kingdom—moments of shared joy or happiness with others; also moments when I spontaneously begin dancing to an ABBA tune, or sing along with a gospel number from my Vancouver Welsh Men′s Chorus CD. I′ve meditated two hours a day the past few days, instead of one. I want to be peaceful and happy, to transform another level of the deep pain of the past, as I often do during morning prayers. . . . And in the silence of this late-spring morning—as the light is growing outside—dear God, I′m asking for help; asking for the renewal yet again of this ′permanent partnership′ in the learning of happiness. . . . What′s the most important thing to know today?

Dear Mr. Neall: Please know with certainty that we have not abandoned you—we cannot: We are part of you.

Please remind (re-mind) me how to expand to the part of me that is you: the part of me that is free from fear and worry . . . [yawning] . . . the part that can experience love, forgiveness, connection to significant others without exhaustion; that can experience joy and laughter and compassion. You seem far away.

Dear Mr. Neall: Your exhaustion has gone deep, and your plan for a holiday is a good one—still two weeks away though. You see, you are ′living in the kingdom′ already with many people, including Facebook friends and Campbell River friends and healers. Now you need rest and support and healing. Your willingness to meditate for two hours a day is admirable—as is your willingness to pick up your pen.

I′m too tired to believe in any of this right now. I think that is my truth of the moment. The ′blessing′ of efficiently getting the new truck on the road hasn′t been celebrated enough, perhaps. I did understand for a while that, since coming to Campbell River, I have been living a blessed life. I did not live this well in the past—I acknowledge that. So something has changed . . .

. . . In the past, I did not get acknowledged often for my courage, as I was recently by my minister / life coach / friend; and here I also have companionship for hikes with a like-minded young male. I also need to acknowledge the finding of good teachers in the Australian Buddhist abbot Ajahn Brahm, Tibetan Buddhist teacher Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse (a.k.a. filmmaker Khyentse Norbu), Lee Carroll (original channel for Kryon), plus the appearance of helpful figures like Pema Chödrön and Louise L. Hay and the Dalai Lama in my dreams this year and last, and a few months ago in a dream, late-night talk-show host David Letterman as a 7-foot, 6-inch spiritual teacher advising me that “the only thing to do is to go deeply into silence” . . .

. . . Integrating all this goodness, this blessedness—plus the love from my girlfriend in Vancouver; plus reconnection with family of origin after thirteen years, at the wedding last year; plus whatever integrating I′ve done, the visibility I′ve achieved, in the Campbell River community-at-large, including confronting the PhD psychology prof after I quit his course (big step into empowerment there); plus completion of a year with a skillful counsellor. Perhaps it′s time for some big-time self-approvement, rather than constant self-improvement. . . . So much growth, dear one—and you′ve been there for it all.

You′re starting to get it, Mr. Neall—and we are still there for you right this moment: no judgement, no hidden agenda, no power-mongering. Just endless assistance in ′seeing the light′, in self-acceptance, in balanced living, in tuning in to the Big Picture, in ′getting on the right channel′ . . . There′s your answer, Mr. Neall: You′re a channel—a messenger of God. You′ve been “barking up the wrong tree,” as they say, which can make life difficult. . . . Believe in this, dear one. Believe in the ease and effortlessness of it; believe in another step out of exhaustion and overwork and stress . . . [yawning] . . .

You have been helpful; I am grateful. . . . Vaya con Dios, friend . . . “Till we meet again.” [6:00 a.m.]

*     *     *

To read Part V, see

neallcalvert2.blogspot.ca/2017/10/dialogue-with-higher-self-part-v.html